Hi! Hope you are having an awesome week with hopefully better weather than what we are having. It’s just raining and raining. So boring.
Ok, I’m gonna go right into it. My doctor called me yesterday with the results of my blood test from Tuesday. It went up🙄 She said again that they have found absolutely nothing abnormal in my body so at this point it’s just one big mystery. She asked me if I have a hamster or bunny or been near other farm animals, cause she thinks there might be some weird antibodies floating around in my body and that can apparently affect the results. So right now I’m just waiting for her to call today again and tell me where I can go and give a urine sample and they can see if that shows anything different. Aaahh, this is so frustrating! What the F is wrong with my body, why am I not back to 0??
I have been trying to keep a smile on my face, tried to be optimistic and stay positive through this, but I still cry almost every day. I feel very frustrated and of course a bit confused. I hate that I have no control over this. I just want to be done now.
On my way into Manhattan as I’m writing now, going to see a friend of mine. If the doctor calls I have to ask her if I can go in tomorrow for my test cause I don’t feel like rushing back (all places close at 5), I want to enjoy my time with her. Keeping busy by doing a bunch of stuff and by spending time with my husband and my friends has been the greatest distraction to not have to constantly think about this shit. It’s getting old now, I’m tired of it, this story is boring now.
I wrote 1.5 week ago that I had to make an appointment with an oncologist because my HCG level had gone up and my regular doctors didn’t know what else to do. On Wednesday morning last week I found out that my level had gone down one number for the week, but that’s still not enough obviously so I had to meet with the oncologist in the afternoon. In the waiting room I felt like a cancer patient sitting next to these other older women who were there most likely for that reason. I came in, they measured me, put me on the scale (I’m still heavier than I’ve ever been) and I had to pee in a cup. After awhile the doctor came in and she checked all my papers, asked me a bunch of questions on my case and she filled everything out on the computer. I had to get undressed and she did a full exam and everything looked ok. She didn’t want me to get any more chemo so she told me to get another chest x-ray, ultrasound and do some blood work the following morning and then in the afternoon she wanted to do another d&c (the same surgery I did in January to get the baby out). The reason for the second surgery was that even if it doesn’t show anything on ultrasound there is probably some small bad tissue left that makes my body not going back to normal.Â
So on Thursday, I was scheduled at 8:45 am at the hospital for my morning stuff. I went in for the x-ray which took barely a minute and then walked across the hall to get an ultrasound. The guy checked on top of the belly first and he pressed pretty hard to really get close to all the parts in there and I felt like I was going to pee all over the place, haha, cause I had to drink so much water to have a full bladder for this. He really took his time, but mostly he was talking and talking, real friendly old guy kinda funny too. He told me to get undressed for ultrasound vaginally. When he did this I had a woman sitting next to me, I’m assuming it was because he was a man which I guess can make me feel more safe, but I trusted that this was a professional doctor so it felt kinda stupid. He again took his time. He moved around that stick so much I think he got a picture of every millimeter of my uterus. He stepped out, called my doctor and then came in and said we are all good. I got dressed and walked to the next room at the hospital to get my blood work. 6 big capsules. I felt a little dizzy after that. We went home and I was so tired that I just watched a tv-show and listened to podcast in bed until it was time to get ready again.Â
We arrived back at the hospital at 1:30 pm and they took me to my room, I think it was the same room I had the last time. Some really old lady came in and was gonna check blood pressure and all that and put the IV in. While she was doing a bunch of stuff, my main nurse for the day came in and started to ask a lot of questions and gave me info about my procedure. The old lady told me I had irregular heartbeat, but I’m sure that’s normal when you have to go through stressful things like this. She then looked and looked at my left hand and tried to put the IV in there. I just knew from the very first second that it wouldn’t work. She pushed hard and my hand hurt so much. When she had got it all in there my hand got so swollen that it looked like I had another hand on top of my hand, so freaky. She immediately took it out and I told her that the last time I got it on top of my right arm and it worked. She decided to put it in the elbow crease. I have very good veins there so I don’t know why she didn’t start there.Â
Anyway. At 3 pm my doctor was done with her previous patient and they came to get me. I had to pee before which was again really difficult with a big gown and an IV to carry around haha. They put that super sexy bathing cap on my head and rolled me to that waiting area. There was another bed there already but we had a curtain between us which was good. I had such a massive headache at this point from not drinking coffee or eating anything since the night before and I was still exhausted (I was tired, hungry and had a headache all day), so I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. Soon my oncologist came over and said she had spoken to Jim and she told me the same thing. They had found nothing on my morning tests so she would try to remove any tissues in there that might be bad and after that we’ll see what happens. Apparently it doesn’t even show that I am pregnant (in the urine sample I gave the day before) so my level is very low and she doesn’t seem too worried.
Another nurse came to get me and my bed. She rolled me in this long corridor and in to a giant room (the last time I had the smallest room possible). Two other nurses were in there plus my doctor. I had to scoot over to the operation bed and then they put straps on my calves to not clog up or something and I had to put my arms out on these fold out handles. I was a starfish. The last time, I was completely out basically right after I had scoot over but I guess they waited a little to put the anesthesia in this time. Ed Sheeran was on the speakers and me and two nurses was singing along together. It seemed like a very good team and I had heard and read that this doctor was awesome, so I was in real good hands I felt like. They put the breathing thing over my mouth and tried to adjust it for awhile….
I felt like Martha Graham
…and then I woke up while they rolled me in the long corridor back to my room.Â
I was so cold they had to put a bunch of hot blankets on me in order for my teeth to stop shivering. I was kinda cold right before they put me to sleep, so when I woke up I felt like an icicle. Back in the room, I was pretty awake, not at all like the last time when I was completely out for a long time from the anesthesia. Several nurses were in there and my doctor came to inform me and Jim that they had taken stuff out and that I need to get a blood test on Tuesday and we’ll go from there then. J and I were left alone for a little bit and I could get warm. Eventually they came in with a tray of toast, ginger ale and coffee. They took some blankets off me (cause I was sweaty at this point) and left me with that heating tube (gotta get me one of those haha). Oh, the coffee tasted amazing, even if it was from a Starbucks machine.Â
After I had finished my food, the nurse helped me to the bathroom and I could change into my own underwear. This time I remembered to bring my own pads (last time I accidentally left them in the car). I got some info, she took the IV out, I got dressed and then I told the nurse that I did not want a wheelchair, I wanted to walk on my own with support from Jim. She eventually said ok since I was so stubborn. On our way to the elevator and down to lobby, several people asked me if I wanted a wheelchair cause they all knew I had surgery, but I kept saying no. I had promised the nurse to wait in the lobby for J to get the car on his own, so I kept that promise:)Â We came home and I was just resting on the couch all night.
I called the doctor’s office this morning and asked about blood test tomorrow, but they haven’t called me back, but I’m assuming I have to go to the regular place and then I hope she will call me some day to tell me if they found anything bad or not. Honestly, I don’t know if they are testing the tissues or not, maybe we just have to wait for blood tests to show 0. Either way, I hope this surgery is enough now. My doctor doesn’t want me to get any more chemotherapy which I’m happy about. Fingers crossed this will be over soon!Â
My Sunday was busy as well. Started as usual with a coffee and tuna bagel. I had been talking about vacuuming the apartment all week but didn’t feel like doing it, so eventually I finally did it once my coffee cup was empty. And then I got ready and got picked up by Daniela who dropped Gareth off to hang out with Jim and Thor. D and I drove to Wilton, CT. Her friend’s husband was in a play called Avenue Q, a puppet show for adults. It’s a musical comedy with both human actors and puppets. Avenue Q was first performed on stage back in 2002 and has been both off- and on Broadway and has won Tony Awards. The show is about how it is to enter adulthood and have to survive on your own and that you have big dreams that might not come true. This is what they write about it:
” Its characters lament that as children, they were assured by their parents, and by children’s television programs such as PBS’s Sesame Street, that they were “special” and “could do anything”; but as adults, they have discovered to their surprise and dismay that in the real world their options are limited, and they are no more “special” than anyone else “
I thought it was a good show that brought up a lot of good points on life. Some of the performers had really good voices as well. I’m happy that I saw it.Â
D and I drove back to our apartment to pick up the men to go eat at some place that J had been recommended by someone. Very good southern food, we are definitely going back there.Â
Went for my weekly blood test this morning. So much for finally going in for monthly instead of weekly. But who knows, maybe she calls me tomorrow and tells me that my level gone down again. Lets hope for that!
We had a busy and exciting weekend. I did actually write this post this weekend, but I haven’t had time to edit pictures and post it. So here it is with a few changes:)
On Saturday, hubby and I left Thor with a neighbor two doors down the hall (some woman we’ve met a few times) and then took the train into Manhattan. We were by Times Sq around 12:30pm and walked straight to Wolfgangs over there. We ordered our normal; oysters, bacon and asparagus. And then we walked down to the new Hudson Yards. We didn’t check out the mall or any other things in the area, but we wanted to check out this new complete waste of money called Vessel, a staircase building. We couldn’t go in/up cause the tickets they gave us was for 5pm. Oh well, next time. I didn’t have my camera with me now anyway so want to go back and then also check everything else in the area.Â
That silver building is called “The Shed” and it’s a new performance space.
It is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen! Hideous!
We continued down the High Line, but there were just too much people, it wasn’t fun or pretty like it used to be so we got off and walked down to Meatpacking and had a drink at Brass Monkeys rooftop. From there, we walked down, got coffees, walked to Sockerbit and got a little bit of Swedish Candy.
We walked all the way over to East Village, stopped at some bar and then went to what used to be one of our go-to places, Blockheads, but they had changed the menu, the new prices was way too high, you had to pay for chips and salsa (!!), it was so loud there so we couldn’t speak to each other and my gluten free burrito felt like it was old. Sad, but ok, we’re not going there again.
Went to some other bar before we had to go to Webster Hall for the nights concert. Doors opened at 7 and we were there maybe 20 min past that. Thought they would start playing at 8 but a series of videos of 80s and 90s brands and commercials was playing as the “intro band” for 46 minutes. Kinda boring and our bodies got tired plus it was freezing in there.
And then, Empire of the Sun. They gave a real good show, I like it. What I didn’t like was the drunk guy that touched everyone’s boobs and asses and was just in the way for people. And another guy towards the end was super annoying talking and screaming at everyone while he spilled his drinks all over people and tried to light his weed with a giant flame. Idiots, they ruin it for everyone and we all just wanted to punch them in their faces. It didn’t last all night though so that was good, we could still enjoy it.
I have to say that one of the best things at this concert was that the floor was quite bouncy so when the fun parts in the songs came and everyone started to jump and sing, the whole place bounced, it was buzzing so hard under the feet that it felt like we were in a bouncing castle hahah:)
Such a nice and perfect day with my husband. We didn’t have much plans for the day in the city, but one of the best things to do in New York City is to just walk around.Â
Palais Garnier, the Paris Opera House, was by far the most interesting thing that we saw on our trip to Paris. Of course I wanted to go there since I’m interested in ballet but I didn’t do much research on it actually. I had read that you can go in but I didn’t know if it was going to be worth paying for. And then I saw a picture on instagram when I was scrolling around on Paris stuff the day before our trip. A picture of a spectacular golden room and I looked it up and it was the opera house. I told Jim that I definitely wanted to go to this without actually showing him the picture I had found, I did not care if he wanted to go or not, we were going! He said ok and afterwards he also said that this was a very interesting place that he was glad that he had seen:)
Last week, the day after my treatment, I felt that I had to do something since I had been resting at home all day. So I decided to go see a movie at the Avon Theater. The White Crow, a movie about Rudolf Nureyev and how he ended up in France. I don’t know anyone interested in dance in Stamford so I went by myself. The movie was kinda eeh, but ok for someone like myself who likes dance and for someone that knows who he was. I’m glad that I saw this movie after I had been to Paris and after visiting Palais Garnier cause when he walks up to the opera house or when he is performing on that stage I could really picture it. It is so different to experience a movie if you know the places they show. Movies filmed in NYC that I saw when I was a kid is just so much more fun to watch now again when I know the city.Â
We did not have to stand in line for too long to go in and this was in the busy afternoon. It was $24 for two people. Definitely worth it especially because of the golden room. I liked to see the stage of course (which was a lot smaller than other stages I’ve been on or seen) where all the amazing dancers have performed at over time.
This is Fanny 🙂 Wikipedia: Francesca “Fanny” Cerrito was an Italian ballet dancer and choreographer. She was a ballerina noted for the brilliance, strength, and vivacity of her dancing. She was also one of few women in the 19th century to be recognized for her talent as a choreographer.
I felt like Martha Graham
