from chemo to baby

May 14, 2021

Two years ago, on May 14th, I had to go to the ER and get methotrexate for Gestational Trophoblastic Disease due to my HCG numbers not going down after my Partial Molar Pregnancy in January 2019.
Today I’m sitting at home cuddling my sweet baby girl💕
What a journey! And I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned so much from my 18 months of dealing with the toughest thing I’ve ever been through. Everything happens for a reason.
Lily was supposed to arrive 6 days ago, we’ve been waiting for her all along 💖💖💖

November 6, 2019

November 6, 2020

On this day one year ago I got the best news of the entire year of 2019. My doctor called me and told me that my level was at 0. Sure, I wasn’t cleared for another 8 months but this was a giant step and well worth celebrating. Months and months of absolutely nothing happening in my case, every single week I would wait for a phone call from my doctor to see if she would tell me that I needed that other more aggressive chemo or not. Then in October my level finally started to move and in November I was told incredible news. 

On November 6 last year we were all also so happy to hear that our nephews surgery had been successful. It was a wonderful day. What happened a couple of days later is not something I want to think about today, I want to stay in that joyful memory of November 6 when our smiles were from ear to ear. 


July 6, 2020

I knew that the blood test I did on June 9 was going to be last one, I could feel it. I had a scheduled appointment so I got in before everybody else, and to my surprise, it was the nurse who I saw almost every week last year. She quit her job in January because she got a new one in NJ, but for some reason she decided to come in this day and help out. I was so happy to see her and I got a proper goodbye which I felt in January that I didn’t. This felt like a closure. She had to be there for my very last test.
My doctor had told me that I needed to do 12 months of HCG tests after I hit 0 which was in November, and when the whole virus thing locked down our world I didn’t even care if I had to do these blood tests for the rest of the year or not. But then, because of this strong feeling that was bubbling inside when I went in for my test on June 9, I wasn’t just hopeful that I would be done after my exam last Monday, I knew.  

I have had one week of feeling free. It’s liberating! No more thinking about that I have a test coming up, no more worries if the level would go back up – well, I guess it still can but it’s been long enough that I will just let it go now – no more feeling of being a prisoner in my own body. I can finally move on, I can put this failed pregnancy to rest, it is now part of the past. I moved on from the miscarriage pretty quickly, I didn’t need to grieve something that wasn’t meant to be, but the PMP case that turned into a complete mystery has been exhausting to deal with. My brain and body need to rest now, they have been on overdrive for such a long time. 

There was clearly something I needed to learn, things to work through, everything happens for a reason. I am positive that I have so much more to learn and experience, but this chapter is now closed and you have no idea how at peace I feel today. It has only been a week and I feel like a new person 😀 

from Paris to chemo

May 14, 2020

Last May, we finally went on a romantic trip to Paris. The day before our vacation, my gynecologist called me and told me that I will have treatment once we’re back. I wasn’t worried about the treatment itself really – even though my doctor only used the word chemo and kept telling us that I could probably vomit, feel dizzy and experience hair loss so it would be smarter to wait til after so that I don’t ruin our trip – I was more worried that I would feel like shit when I had to go into Manhattan for my appointment at the Swedish consulate the following day, an appointment I had scheduled months in advanced and couldn’t really reschedule since I needed my passport to be valid. I didn’t know that I was going to feel ok after (there is of course a chance that you can experience these side effects, everyone experience unknown things coming into our bodies differently, but most people probably wont, I felt a little tired and had sore legs), so not only was I jetlagged, I also didn’t sleep for more than maybe 3 hours a night during our trip cause my head was spinning with a million thoughts and questions. It was an amazing trip and I am so happy we finally decided to go, but oh my, I feel bad for my  dear husband who had to deal with me being a total wreck at times. He deserves a medal:)

May 14, 2019, I went in for my first treatment. One year later, I’m still not cleared. My blood test last Saturday showed a different number than the previous few, still a good number but because it looked different my oncologist wants me to go in next month again. At this point I barely even care anymore, as long as I feel healthy and my number is down, what’s another test or two or five.. There are other concerns in the world right now. Fingers crossed I’ll be cleared next month though.


Here are some random pictures I took in Paris: