just power through, it could be worse

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June 7, 2019

I don’t really know what to write today.
Yesterday I decided to go hang out with Daniela, who is back from her trip, for a few hours. She made us lunch (oh, she is just too sweet) and in the middle of eating my doctor called. I kinda just expected her to tell me good news that I was below 5. 
“Your level is 9 now” (= 2 up from before my treatment)
I asked her what that means and what will happen now. They don’t wanna send me to get treated with methotrexate over and over (the shots I have got twice now), so she scheduled me at a place here in Stamford to meet with an oncologist on Wednesday next week. I called that place this morning to confirm my appointment and I asked if there was any information in my file on how long this appointment would be and what I’m expected to get done. She couldn’t give much info, so I have to just wait til next week to find out. But my guess is that I have to get a different kind of chemotherapy that can attack my stubborn cells. But I don’t actually know, so…

I’m so happy that I was with D when the phone call came. She allowed me to have a minute to process the info and then let me talk if I needed to. Since I don’t know what it is that I need to process, it just felt good to be there with her (I later helped her put some frames up on the walls in their guest room) and it took the attention away from it all a bit. 
When J came to pick me up after work, he ordered us pizza and we sat on our terrace all night. His company through all this is also extremely valuable to me.

I feel ok. Since I don’t know how bad this is, or if it’s really bad at all, I have to just try to not think about it. There’s nothing I can do about it right now anyway. But I will be fine, I know I will. 

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