October 15, 2019

Every since I shared our failed pregnancy story openly online, it’s been clear to me how important it is to talk about this. For some reason people don’t talk about miscarriage, infant loss and infertility. I don’t understand why this is taboo subjects, there are so many people dealing with this. I will continue to talk about it because I’ve noticed how much it can help others. Over these past months I’ve been in contact with women that I know and don’t know from all over the world. We are supporting each other. Friends, family and the many many women I now know online has helped me get through this. I am nowhere near done which is something I have to accept, but it would have been so much harder to deal with without the support from everyone else. This is why we need to speak up and talk about this, because it helps. 

1 in 4 women has one or more miscarriage. 1 in 1000 women has a complete molar pregnancy. A partial molar pregnancy is extremely rare and it happens randomly, it’s just bad luck. Do you know how much information there is online about partial molar pregnancies or about hcg levels standing still or about mystery cases like mine? Not much!
Talking to other women who have had the same rare pregnancy helps with not only trying to find out what’s wrong, things I can try to figure it out, but to also understand that all the feelings I have, everyone else is dealing with the exact same thing. I am not alone in this, I am not the only one nervous about the weekly test results, I am not the only one crying for no reason, I am not the only one who doesn’t want people to tip toe around me and treat me differently, I am not the only one who is feeling like shit and struggling at times. We are not many, but the few of us are supporting each other and that has meant so much to me.
The women who contacted me when I started to share this on instagram, who was diagnosed after myself, they are all done now and some are even trying to conceive again (some has probably already succeeded but waiting to share the news), but even if they are done they are still here supporting me going through this weird mystery case and I’m forever grateful for that and I will continue to be of support for them and for all the new women contacting me. This is why it is important to speak out loud about all this. Many couples are going through difficulties when it comes to having a family and noone is alone, we should all be here for each other♥

If You or someone you know is going through something, Please remember that you can always contact me if you need someone to talk to > either on instagram (@fannysura) or fannysura@gmail.com

October 10, 2019

My level has gone down! Only one number but I’ll take it. At 6 now which is the lowest I’ve ever been. I will go back for another blood test in two weeks, I guess they have to keep an eye on it again since it moved.

This is of course great news! But it also (probably) means that my level isn’t naturally higher than a 0 like we thought and I can’t argue against the 12 monthly tests after (which was my plan since my level hasn’t moved for months). So, I guess I’m still waiting for a 0 and then I have another year after that. I’m happy about my 6, but I can’t help being a little sad knowing that I have a long way to go. It’s already been 10 months which is extremely unusual. But, I have to just accept it, be grateful for that I am healthy and let this go.

October 8, 2019

I started to get quite nervous yesterday. These past three weeks of not having to go in for weekly blood tests have been kinda relaxing and my mind could get a break. But yesterday I couldn’t help thinking about it since I kinda had to because I had an acupuncture appointment which focuses on my case. 
Before my appointment, I sat on the couch with closed eyes trying to focus on my breathing. On my way over to the hospital (where my acupuncture is, 3 minutes from our apartment), I listened to calm and relaxing music and walked pretty slow. All that preparation must have done something cause my blood pressure was way down (last time I came in quite stressed and blood pressure was higher than my normal..which is normally kinda low). It was a shorter session in a different room with big windows yesterday. Somehow I still ended up super relaxed and could put focus inwards instead of the light from the windows or the noise in the hallway outside. 
She told me to keep the ear seeds til this morning, so I did, two on each ear. I took them off this morning before I jumped into the shower and got ready for my scheduled blood test at 6:45 am, my first monthly test. A quick visit, bought coffee next door and met J and T in the park by our apt. I am nervous for my result. It can be 7-8 like the past few months, or it can be 20, or it can be 2, or 100, or 0. Now I have to try to not think about this today cause there’s nothing I can do anyway, and then just wait for my doctor to call me tomorrow.
Thor woke up around 3am for whatever reason and after that I couldn’t fall back to sleep so I might be very tired later today. But I’m gonna try to keep busy so I don’t have to focus on my levels.