Showing all posts in Partial Molar Pregnancy

June 20, 2019

Hi! Hope you are having an awesome week with hopefully better weather than what we are having. It’s just raining and raining. So boring.

Ok, I’m gonna go right into it. My doctor called me yesterday with the results of my blood test from Tuesday. It went up🙄 She said again that they have found absolutely nothing abnormal in my body so at this point it’s just one big mystery. She asked me if I have a hamster or bunny or been near other farm animals, cause she thinks there might be some weird antibodies floating around in my body and that can apparently affect the results. So right now I’m just waiting for her to call today again and tell me where I can go and give a urine sample and they can see if that shows anything different. Aaahh, this is so frustrating! What the F is wrong with my body, why am I not back to 0??

I have been trying to keep a smile on my face, tried to be optimistic and stay positive through this, but I still cry almost every day. I feel very frustrated and of course a bit confused. I hate that I have no control over this. I just want to be done now.

On my way into Manhattan as I’m writing now, going to see a friend of mine. If the doctor calls I have to ask her if I can go in tomorrow for my test cause I don’t feel like rushing back (all places close at 5), I want to enjoy my time with her. Keeping busy by doing a bunch of stuff and by spending time with my husband and my friends has been the greatest distraction to not have to constantly think about this shit. It’s getting old now, I’m tired of it, this story is boring now.

June 17, 2019

Here’s a long post for ya;

I wrote 1.5 week ago that I had to make an appointment with an oncologist because my HCG level had gone up and my regular doctors didn’t know what else to do. On Wednesday morning last week I found out that my level had gone down one number for the week, but that’s still not enough obviously so I had to meet with the oncologist in the afternoon. In the waiting room I felt like a cancer patient sitting next to these other older women who were there most likely for that reason.
I came in, they measured me, put me on the scale (I’m still heavier than I’ve ever been) and I had to pee in a cup. After awhile the doctor came in and she checked all my papers, asked me a bunch of questions on my case and she filled everything out on the computer. I had to get undressed and she did a full exam and everything looked ok. She didn’t want me to get any more chemo so she told me to get another chest x-ray, ultrasound and do some blood work the following morning and then in the afternoon she wanted to do another d&c (the same surgery I did in January to get the baby out). The reason for the second surgery was that even if it doesn’t show anything on ultrasound there is probably some small bad tissue left that makes my body not going back to normal. 

So on Thursday, I was scheduled at 8:45 am at the hospital for my morning stuff. I went in for the x-ray which took barely a minute and then walked across the hall to get an ultrasound. The guy checked on top of the belly first and he pressed pretty hard to really get close to all the parts in there and I felt like I was going to pee all over the place, haha, cause I had to drink so much water to have a full bladder for this. He really took his time, but mostly he was talking and talking, real friendly old guy kinda funny too. He told me to get undressed for ultrasound vaginally. When he did this I had a woman sitting next to me, I’m assuming it was because he was a man which I guess can make me feel more safe, but I trusted that this was a professional doctor so it felt kinda stupid. He again took his time. He moved around that stick so much I think he got a picture of every millimeter of my uterus. He stepped out, called my doctor and then came in and said we are all good. 
I got dressed and walked to the next room at the hospital to get my blood work. 6 big capsules. I felt a little dizzy after that. We went home and I was so tired that I just watched a tv-show and listened to podcast in bed until it was time to get ready again. 

We arrived back at the hospital at 1:30 pm and they took me to my room, I think it was the same room I had the last time. Some really old lady came in and was gonna check blood pressure and all that and put the IV in. While she was doing a bunch of stuff, my main nurse for the day came in and started to ask a lot of questions and gave me info about my procedure. 
The old lady told me I had irregular heartbeat, but I’m sure that’s normal when you have to go through stressful things like this. She then looked and looked at my left hand and tried to put the IV in there. I just knew from the very first second that it wouldn’t work. She pushed hard and my hand hurt so much. When she had got it all in there my hand got so swollen that it looked like I had another hand on top of my hand, so freaky. She immediately took it out and I told her that the last time I got it on top of my right arm and it worked. She decided to put it in the elbow crease. I have very good veins there so I don’t know why she didn’t start there. 

Anyway. At 3 pm my doctor was done with her previous patient and they came to get me. I had to pee before which was again really difficult with a big gown and an IV to carry around haha. They put that super sexy bathing cap on my head and rolled me to that waiting area. There was another bed there already but we had a curtain between us which was good. I had such a massive headache at this point from not drinking coffee or eating anything since the night before and I was still exhausted (I was tired, hungry and had a headache all day), so I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. Soon my oncologist came over and said she had spoken to Jim and she told me the same thing. They had found nothing on my morning tests so she would try to remove any tissues in there that might be bad and after that we’ll see what happens. Apparently it doesn’t even show that I am pregnant (in the urine sample I gave the day before) so my level is very low and she doesn’t seem too worried.
Another nurse came to get me and my bed. She rolled me in this long corridor and in to a giant room (the last time I had the smallest room possible). Two other nurses were in there plus my doctor. I had to scoot over to the operation bed and then they put straps on my calves to not clog up or something and I had to put my arms out on these fold out handles. I was a starfish. The last time, I was completely out basically right after I had scoot over but I guess they waited a little to put the anesthesia in this time. Ed Sheeran was on the speakers and me and two nurses was singing along together. It seemed like a very good team and I had heard and read that this doctor was awesome, so I was in real good hands I felt like. They put the breathing thing over my mouth and tried to adjust it for awhile….

I felt like Martha Graham

…and then I woke up while they rolled me in the long corridor back to my room. 

I was so cold they had to put a bunch of hot blankets on me in order for my teeth to stop shivering. I was kinda cold right before they put me to sleep, so when I woke up I felt like an icicle.
Back in the room, I was pretty awake, not at all like the last time when I was completely out for a long time from the anesthesia. Several nurses were in there and my doctor came to inform me and Jim that they had taken stuff out and that I need to get a blood test on Tuesday and we’ll go from there then. 
J and I were left alone for a little bit and I could get warm. Eventually they came in with a tray of toast, ginger ale and coffee. They took some blankets off me (cause I was sweaty at this point) and left me with that heating tube (gotta get me one of those haha). Oh, the coffee tasted amazing, even if it was from a Starbucks machine. 

After I had finished my food, the nurse helped me to the bathroom and I could change into my own underwear. This time I remembered to bring my own pads (last time I accidentally left them in the car). I got some info, she took the IV out, I got dressed and then I told the nurse that I did not want a wheelchair, I wanted to walk on my own with support from Jim. She eventually said ok since I was so stubborn. On our way to the elevator and down to lobby, several people asked me if I wanted a wheelchair cause they all knew I had surgery, but I kept saying no. I had promised the nurse to wait in the lobby for J to get the car on his own, so I kept that promise:) 
We came home and I was just resting on the couch all night.

I called the doctor’s office this morning and asked about blood test tomorrow, but they haven’t called me back, but I’m assuming I have to go to the regular place and then I hope she will call me some day to tell me if they found anything bad or not. Honestly, I don’t know if they are testing the tissues or not, maybe we just have to wait for blood tests to show 0. Either way, I hope this surgery is enough now. My doctor doesn’t want me to get any more chemotherapy which I’m happy about. Fingers crossed this will be over soon! 

Burrito Fanny 🙂

June 7, 2019

I don’t really know what to write today.
Yesterday I decided to go hang out with Daniela, who is back from her trip, for a few hours. She made us lunch (oh, she is just too sweet) and in the middle of eating my doctor called. I kinda just expected her to tell me good news that I was below 5. 
“Your level is 9 now” (= 2 up from before my treatment)
I asked her what that means and what will happen now. They don’t wanna send me to get treated with methotrexate over and over (the shots I have got twice now), so she scheduled me at a place here in Stamford to meet with an oncologist on Wednesday next week. I called that place this morning to confirm my appointment and I asked if there was any information in my file on how long this appointment would be and what I’m expected to get done. She couldn’t give much info, so I have to just wait til next week to find out. But my guess is that I have to get a different kind of chemotherapy that can attack my stubborn cells. But I don’t actually know, so…

I’m so happy that I was with D when the phone call came. She allowed me to have a minute to process the info and then let me talk if I needed to. Since I don’t know what it is that I need to process, it just felt good to be there with her (I later helped her put some frames up on the walls in their guest room) and it took the attention away from it all a bit. 
When J came to pick me up after work, he ordered us pizza and we sat on our terrace all night. His company through all this is also extremely valuable to me.

I feel ok. Since I don’t know how bad this is, or if it’s really bad at all, I have to just try to not think about it. There’s nothing I can do about it right now anyway. But I will be fine, I know I will. 

May 30, 2019

I waited all day yesterday and eventually I called the doctors office. 10 minutes later one of my doctors called me back and told me that my level only went down one number, I am now at 7. So,…I needed treatment again.
Jim came home and we drove to the Emergency Room. Lots of people in the waiting room this time, but I think that because my doctor had called them beforehand I could come in quicker, we didn’t have to wait too long and came in before others. We got a room again, this time with a TV that was on. It was the news though and I don’t like to watch the news, it is so depressing, but now I didn’t really have a choice but to watch it.
An hour after just sitting there a doctor came, we gave him the info on why I was there and he said he would go call my doctor. 45 minutes later he came back and said that he had ordered the treatment 30 minutes ago and once I get it I only have to stay for 10-15 minutes and then I could go home. 
They never gave me any gown to change into, no IV in my arm this time and we just had to sit in that room with the door open and we could see all the doctors, sick patients and cops walking by. On TV they kept warning about the tornadoes that was supposedly hitting New Jersey, New York and Connecticut.

When we had been there for 2 hours 20 minutes, a male nurse came in with a bag of yellow warning signs on it. He apologized that we had to wait but explained that he wanted himself or another male nurse to give me the treatment instead of a woman. Apparently it’s bad for women to handle this since it can be harmful to someone who wants to get pregnant or is pregnant, which makes sense. It was a woman giving me the shots the last time though, maybe they didn’t have a guy available then…
I had to pull down my jeans and he hit me in the right thigh with the first shot. When he got it out it was bleeding quite a lot so he must have hit something. And then he jammed the second shot into my left thigh. No blood on that one. And then he left. 
It was actually hurting a bit this time. Last time I didn’t really feel much but now I could feel all leg muscles hurt from my hips all the way down to my feet. It might have been because I was sitting with my legs dangling off the bed this time (last time I was fully on the bed with my legs relaxed straight) plus that he actually really hit me with the shots especially the last bit when he was gonna get it out of my thigh. I tried to massage the thighs for the 10 minutes we had to wait for a nurse to come and discharge me. We spent 3 hours at the ER in total this time. 

I felt a little pain when walking after our visit and I was a little nauseous so I ate something and then relaxed on the couch when we came home. When I got up to brush my teeth and stuff to go to bed my thighs felt like balloons (but didn’t look like it) and I could feel a little bit more pain in my legs. I could not put full weight on my left leg when standing up without feeling discomfort and I woke up a few times at night when I moved around especially when rolling over to my left side. Slow walking today as well and now after sitting by my desk for a few hours I’m quite uncomfortable, I may have to lie down soon. But other than my legs being sore, I feel fine. Just tired and a little mushy. Jim is working from home today which is nice, he can help out and take Thor for walks. 

It sucks that I had to do this again, it sucks that my level hasn’t gone down much and it sucks that if it continues this slow there’s a chance that I have to get treatment again, but you know what…it could be worse. That’s what I keep telling myself. It. Could. Be. Worse. 
I am not dying, I have a loving husband, a snuggly puppy and people who cares for me. I am fine. 

May 23, 2019

Thor and I had a picnic in the park yesterday.
So peaceful and quiet….until some woman let her big dog off the leash right by us and Thor went bananas

I believe that everything happens for a reason. There better be a f*ing good reason for all this. 

I feel like I’m in a tiny bathtub filled with water and the whole Grand Canyon got dumped on top of me.
There are two options now. I either stay and crawl around in the deep mud, but those who know me knows that I like things to be clean around me and mud seems pretty hard to keep clean. So the other option is to follow the only direction available. Up. 

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, really, I’m not. It could be so much worse. I have so much to be grateful for. 
I have an awesome husband, my dog is the cutest in the world, I have a home, food on the table and access to water. I have people around me for support, I have doctors and nurses who makes me feel cared for. I have an education and two legs that can dance me around the world. Everything is pretty awesome. 

But getting the news that I have to deal with this for another six months isn’t exactly making me super happy. And that is ok. We can’t always be happy. Those who say that they are must be on drugs or something. Today is a very nice day and I feel amazing, but I’m allowed to feel a little sad as well. We all are. It’s from sadness or unhappy days that we can learn something from. We always get through it and that’s the lesson itself. 

Like I said on the top of this post, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m excited to see what those reasons are.