Liberation

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July 6, 2020

I knew that the blood test I did on June 9 was going to be last one, I could feel it. I had a scheduled appointment so I got in before everybody else, and to my surprise, it was the nurse who I saw almost every week last year. She quit her job in January because she got a new one in NJ, but for some reason she decided to come in this day and help out. I was so happy to see her and I got a proper goodbye which I felt in January that I didn’t. This felt like a closure. She had to be there for my very last test.
My doctor had told me that I needed to do 12 months of HCG tests after I hit 0 which was in November, and when the whole virus thing locked down our world I didn’t even care if I had to do these blood tests for the rest of the year or not. But then, because of this strong feeling that was bubbling inside when I went in for my test on June 9, I wasn’t just hopeful that I would be done after my exam last Monday, I knew.  

I have had one week of feeling free. It’s liberating! No more thinking about that I have a test coming up, no more worries if the level would go back up – well, I guess it still can but it’s been long enough that I will just let it go now – no more feeling of being a prisoner in my own body. I can finally move on, I can put this failed pregnancy to rest, it is now part of the past. I moved on from the miscarriage pretty quickly, I didn’t need to grieve something that wasn’t meant to be, but the PMP case that turned into a complete mystery has been exhausting to deal with. My brain and body need to rest now, they have been on overdrive for such a long time. 

There was clearly something I needed to learn, things to work through, everything happens for a reason. I am positive that I have so much more to learn and experience, but this chapter is now closed and you have no idea how at peace I feel today. It has only been a week and I feel like a new person 😀 

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