In Europe, France, Travel

waiting by the phone

Author Fanny SuraPosted on Leave a comment
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May 14, 2019

We came back from Paris on Sunday night. Guess if I have a lot of photos, haha. Even Jim have lots of photos on his phone from this trip (he usually never does). We had an amazing time! But any trip with Jim is amazing, it doesn’t matter where we are:)
Paris wasn’t exactly how I had imagined it though but it was still cool to go there. I expected the city to be in full bloom and have warmer weather for picnics in the parks in the month of May. But the parks barely had grass and the whole city is under construction, full of road work and scaffolding everywhere and more tourist than I have ever seen before. It was still cute and romantic, but that’s if you turn off to streets where noone else is. I guess movies and pictures romanticize this city so much more than it is.
I’m very happy that we went. J and I have a good mix of beach and bigger city vacations. The next trip is a road trip to Canada. 

This trip was supposed to be a nice getaway for us two after losing our baby, but as you know, I’m not done with the pregnancy yet. I barely slept this trip. Not knowing if I need treatment or not has been kinda stressful and I think my hormones are all over the place, I didn’t quite feel like myself this trip and poor Jim had to deal with me:( Right now I’m just sitting here at my desk in my office starring at my phone. Waiting for this phone call is no fun. Will I go in for chemo today or not? 
I’m actually not nervous for the treatment really, I’m more stressed about that I have an appointment at the Swedish Consulate in NYC on Thursday and I’m worried that I might have side effects from the chemo then. I can’t reschedule either since I don’t know if the treatment will be a one time thing or weekly, and I need a new passport before the old one expires. This makes me extremely nervous. But hopefully I won’t need treatment, and if I do I hopefully don’t have any side effects. 

In Travel

in need of vacation

Author Fanny SuraPosted on Leave a comment
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May 8, 2019

I’m so ready for a weekend getaway with my husband. We need it. Some time just the two of us exploring a new place. 

Really hope and wish for some good weather though. It’s never fun to go to a city like Paris, New York or London when it rains. Ok, it’s never fun in any city if it rains, but it’s different when you go to like the Caribbean or Scandinavia or something. You likely spend so much more money when going to a bigger city so you want to really enjoy it. I’ve been picturing us having a picnic with wine in a park in Paris so I want at least one dry spot on the grass at some point this weekend, haha, is that too much to ask for 😉 

I’m dropping Thor off at his sitter around 2pm and after that I have to shower, get ready and pack before taking a taxi to Newark at 6 or so. T can’t know that something is going to happen so we have to be smart about it, otherwise he’s anxious and “cries” loudly the entire day. I did laundry and picked out some clothes to wear yesterday, so packing should be somewhat quick. 

Wiiihh, I’m excited! Hope you’ll have a wonderful weekend!

Picture from our last trip to Sweden in January. Hopefully warmer in Paris this weekend:)

In Travel, Uncategorized

exciting weekend coming up

Author Fanny SuraPosted on Leave a comment
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May 7, 2019

Kauai, January 2018

Good Evening everyone! Tomorrow is a very exciting day. Jim and I are flying to Paris!! Ok, we don’t land until Thursday so I guess that’s the exciting day:) 
I have since my early 20s been thinking that one day I want to do a romantic trip to Paris with the man I love before we decide to have a family (obviously didn’t know it was going to be with Jim then). Paris was never on the top on my list of places I wanted to visit, but the thought of a romantic weekend was, haha, ehm..ya, whatever.
After J and I had our baby talk almost exactly one year ago, I mentioned my thought about Paris before a kid. We actually started to look into it then, but we didn’t find a good time for it that summer or fall because we had other trips planned, people to stay with us and things booked and planned. And then we got pregnant. I thought “oh well, whatever, we can go in the future and have a baby sitter or something”. 
Almost directly after losing the baby, we booked our tickets to Paris. We didn’t know about the cause of this pregnancy loss then and what it would mean for me these past three months. But the closer we got to this week and the lower hormone level I got the more I thought that this would be our celebration that we can move on, start over, kinda. But I’m not done yet unfortunately. Apparently my level went up on my last test and my doctor asked if I wanted to do the treatment on Monday this week or wait and do another blood test next Monday when we are back and do treatment then if level doesn’t change. Her suggestion was to wait since she knows that we are going on this trip and she want us to enjoy it (so sweet). It would suck to have side effects to deal with on vacation. 
So this trip is not quite a “celebration that we can move on”, but we can get some quality time together and be romantic anyway. I have cold sores in my face and can’t kiss him at the moment (my hormones went up and the lady-week is coming up so that probably triggered cold sores to break out) so that’s not very fun, but whatever, we can hold hands and stare into each others eyes 🙂

Aahh, I’m so excited! Of course we want to do all the tourist stuff, but I also kinda just want to relax for once. We’ll see what we have time for. Right now I’m just hoping for good weather. Looks like it’s going to rain a lot. But if it does, we’ll just hang out at the Louvre. 
Woohoo! Paris! 

In Brain Dump

time is passing by

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May 2, 2019

We have already entered the fifth month of the year. What happened, it was recently New Years and now it’s May? 

So much has happened but yet so extremely little. Started the year pregnant and excited. Ended January with a dead baby and surgery. February was all about recovery, grief and finding out the reason why I miscarried. March and April was all about weekly blood tests and gaining 10 lbs (!!!) (I know this since I have to stand on the scale at the doctors). April was also about being active and trying to lose those 10 lbs and towards the end to see if I have cancer or not. And that’s about it for this year.
There’s some exciting things coming up this month though. But the number one thing is still to get my strong body back (ok, no, the number one thing is to make sure my body is free from the pregnancy, but I have no control over that). I’ve mentioned it before that I don’t care that much about the number on the scale or the size of my body, and I still mean that…But, I don’t wanna spend money on a new wardrobe hahah and I love the feeling of being strong and flexible, it makes me happy to be able to move around smoothly and not feel like a giant walrus. My body has always been my work, and if my body isn’t up for it, there is no work, simple as that.

So what can I do? One thing that many may not know is that stress can sometimes have you gain weight. It doesn’t matter if you eat healthy food and goes to the gym every day, if your stress level is up then you can still gain weight, or in other cases lose some, I have experienced both in my life. I don’t feel very stressed, but I know I am. This whole HCG blood testing thing, hearing about potential cancer, seeing everyone else getting pregnant and being afraid they will steal my baby name that I picked out when I was 13 (it’s a silly and selfish thought, but it’s true, it worries me), ya, I’m sure it all makes me stressed whether I feel it or not.
Meditation is the key here. I haven’t done much of it lately, but I need to set aside time for it every day. Taking a moment to yourself is just as important as eating dinner. If you are feeling stressed out, then sit down, close your eyes and just breathe for 5 minutes. If you get all worked up about something, stop what you are doing for a second and just inhale – exhale. Simple but yet still so hard. 

There is still eight months left of this year. Lets make them awesome.