Showing all posts in Partial Molar Pregnancy

March 5, 2019

Hellu! This morning I walked over to the Quest Diagnostics place to have more blood taken from me. I called my doctor last week and asked if there was a place I could reschedule to near me instead of having to take a taxi to New York. I went to this place in June for a regular health checkup thing, it’s not even a 5 minute walk from our apartment. This time I had an appointment which helped. Last time I was there I just walked in and had to sit there for over an hour. I still had to wait today but got in a lot quicker than all the others. When I was done I walked next door to get myself a coffee and blueberry muffin for breakfast. 

I really hope I’m done after today. They want to see that my HCG level goes down to 0 to make sure there’s no cell growth from the molar pregnancy. Going to the doctors is something I’ve always tried to avoid but now when we got pregnant I was totally fine with it because it was for a fun reason. Now I’m still going to the doctors and it’s for a very un-fun reason. I want to put this pregnancy behind me and move on now. Hopefully hearing good news tomorrow. 

March 3, 2019

Ever since before my 20s, I have got questions about marriage and babies. When we are really young we are told (at least when I was a kid, I really hope it has changed and children are told differently now) that a family is of a man and a woman and their children. Me and my girl friends back then were more or less told to believe that when we grow up we will meet a nice man, get married and have two children (a boy and a girl), a golden retriever, a volvo and we would live happily ever after in our beautiful house. Well, that’s not how it is for most people.
Questions about marriage and kids should not come before you are 20. You can ask kids what they think of their future of course, but don’t tell them a bunch of bullshit and don’t assume they will all grow up wanting those things.
When you’re in your 20s, the questions multiply by a lot, especially if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but also when you don’t. When you get engaged and then married, puh, people won’t stop asking about when the babies, plural, will come. 

This is an extremely important thing to talk about!

I have seriously been annoyed and eventually been really angry about these questions for many years. When I’ve got them, I just brushed it off and said something funny back or I didn’t say anything at all, because it’s non of anyone else’s business. I might sound like bitch now, but this is important.

There are many couples who try and try and desperately want children but can’t. There are those who will do anything they possibly can to have a child. There are those who doesn’t want to get married and those who doesn’t want to have children. Many have to go through miscarriages before it works, if it ever works. Some people get pregnant right away and push out healthy little ones. Some wants to get married and have kids right away, and some want to wait. Some wants to get married but doesn’t have anyone to marry….
There are many many many stories. And questions can hurt. 

So before asking someone about when they will get married or especially before asking about when they will have children, remember that these people, all people, have a story. 

Everyone assumes stuff about others all the time. You are expected to get married if you have been dating for a long time. You are expected to have children right after you get married. You are expected to want a family the older you get. But you know what, not everyone wants these things.
My husband and I got married and all the assumptions got way worse than before (plus we got a ridiculous amount of questions if this was a real relationship or just for me to get a green card).
We knew before getting married that we didn’t want a kid just yet. We said that maybe 32 could be a good age and we only want one. We never said this out loud to anyone, because it’s our decision, not yours. Now I came out with that we were pregnant but lost our baby and guess what, everyone now assumes that we are going to try again. Maybe we will, but maybe we won’t. Maybe we feel that nah, it’s maybe not for us, or maybe  we are that couple who desperately wants a baby, or maybe we get pregnant again but find out that for some reason we will never be able to have a healthy child, or maybe this or maybe that. Either way..It’s non of anyone else’s business but ours. Whatever we decide, if we want to talk about it with someone, we will, otherwise, don’t ask and don’t assume. 

February 26, 2019

I just spent 1.5 minute at the doctors and took what I first thought was a $25 taxi home. An expensive blood test…until I saw I got the ride 50% off which was a little better price. My HCG level (hormones) was not down enough last week so I had to come in now and have them take more blood. Good thing we keep producing new blood cause otherwise I would be empty by now. Hopefully it’s down to zero, I really don’t wanna go back in. 

The whole pregnancy feels almost like a big blur, sometimes it feels like these three months never happened. We were at the doctors 4 times but I barely remember.
The first two-three weeks after conception you don’t even know you’re pregnant and then you have to wait til week 8 or 10, depending on your doctor, to come in for your first visit. Since I didn’t have any symptoms really, it was just regular days and what felt like long waiting for that first appointment to confirm that there was a baby in there. After the first ultrasound it slowly started to sink in that we were having a baby, but you’re still in that stage of just walking around like a “normal” person. Clothes were getting tighter by the day but that’s about it. People didn’t know about it so you are just walking around smiling to yourself. I started to say good morning and good night to the belly after week 8 or 9 in an attempt to make it more real for myself. After we told our families about the pregnancy and spent a week with my parents, it started to be real and I even played with the thought of being called “mom” in the summer.
So, to sum it up, we had one week of being pregnant, the rest is just blurry.
It almost feels like I just woke up from a very long nap. And the months before getting pregnant, all I had on my mind was that I wanted it to work the next time I was ovulating. So those months feels like a giant mush of hopes. 

And now I’m back to being a normal person again. Right now I’m just waiting for my hormone level to go back so that my period can show up (well, no woman is really waiting for that to show up but my body needs to go back to normal). And then regular life is gonna continue like nothing ever happened. We never had a little girl, I was never pregnant, it was just a sad nap. 

February 22, 2019

Our doctor called me yesterday and said that the genetics test result were back. She basically told me the same thing she had already told us, but now it was confirmed. I had a molar pregnancy which is, if I understand it correctly, when the body think it’s pregnant but “there’s a tumor instead of a baby”, kinda. We had a baby so this was just a partial molar pregnancy and our baby girl (not boy like I thought in the end) had three sets of chromosomes which is called triploidy. So, she had 69 chromosomes instead of 46 and it was impossible for her to live. IF a woman can go through a whole pregnancy with a triploidy baby, then the child will die right after birth. So, with both a molar pregnancy and all these chromosomes, our baby girl had no chance to survive. 

When you read about triploidy and partial molar pregnancies is says it’s extremely rare. However, lots of women miscarry way earlier than me so it doesn’t seem like they can do a proper study on this if it is in fact rare or not. I’m sad that we had to go this far, really stepping on the second trimester line, and then loose her. And now when we found out the gender it feels a bit harder to deal with. No matter what gender, I feel that now it suddenly became a person. Not just my little Picasso that I wrote about in another post, but now it was a girl, a person who were trying to survive. She was a true fighter, our little Wiggly ♥

Var lakare ringde mig igar och sa att de genetiska test resultaten hade kommit in. Hon sa i princip samma sak som hon redan hade berattat for oss, men nu var det bekraftat. Jag hade en molar graviditet vilket ar, om jag forstar det ratt, nar kroppen tror att den ar gravid men “det ar en tumor istallet for en bebis”, typ. Vi hade en bebis so detta va en partiell molar graviditet och var lilla flicka (inte pojke som jag trodde mot slutet) hade tre uppsattningar av kromosomer vilket kallas for triploidy. Sa, hon hade 69 kromosomer istallet for 46 och det va omojligt for henne att leva. OM en kvinna kan ga igenom en hel graviditet med en triploidy bebis, da kommer barnet att do direkt efter fodsel. Sa, med bade en molar graviditet och alla dessa kromosomer, var flicka hade ingen chans att overleva.
Nar man laser om triploidy och partiell molara graviditeter star det att det ar extremt ovanligt. Dock, far manga kvinnor missfall mycket tidigare an mig sa det verkar inte som att de kan gora en riktig undersokning om detta ar ovanligt eller inte. Jag ar bara ledsen att vi behovde ga sahar langt, verkligen sta pa linjen till andra trimester, och sedan forlora henne. Och nu nar vi fick reda pa konet kanns det lite tuffare att bearbeta. Oavsett vilket kon, nu kanner jag att det plotsligt blev en person. Inte bara min lilla Picasso som jag skrev om i ett annat inlagg, utan nu va det en flicka, en person som forsokte overleva. Hon va en riktig kampe, var lilla Wiggly♥

February 20, 2019

The picture above was taken one morning in Sweden. The lower part of my stomach is a baby belly and the top part is just bloating. I didn’t really have any pregnancy symptoms (I felt really lucky) so I didn’t mind being constantly bloated from Christmas and forward. It was a way for me to know that I was pregnant (of course the lack of menstruation and that we saw and heard baby “Wiggly” on New Years Eve was proof of that too). I looked way more pregnant than I was pretty early on. And I loved it. 
I loved seeing my body grow, feeling my tummy getting bigger. 

That morning when these pictures were taken, I had a round belly already when I woke up, before breakfast. I looked in the mirror and saw the cutest belly I’ve ever seen. Sure, I felt bloated but I could also tell that my tummy had suddenly popped a little. All day I proudly walked around with this belly, touching it and wishing I would feel some sort of connection to it, which I didn’t, but it was there. Our baby was there. 

The day after my surgery I stood in front of the mirror. My firm round belly was now squishy and empty. I saw three months of excitement that ended with the worst news. All I could think about was “I can’t wait til I can work out and dance again and get rid of this pregnant body”. I normally don’t really care about weight or if I get bigger or smaller, as long as I feel that my heart is healthy and my body is strong, kind of. But now, looking in the mirror, I see a sad memory and I want to move on. 

During these three weeks, I’ve let my body really recover. All the stuff in my stomach needed to go back in place, the bloating needed to stop and since they opened my hips to get the baby out I needed to let that go back too. Two weeks ago (so a week post op) I was on the elliptical at the gym for 20 minutes. Talk about slow motion. I went slower than my regular walking pace because I could feel that my hips wasn’t really having it. Being a dancer who has had a whole lifetime of getting to know my body, I know when I can push it and not. After this surgery I decided to really listen to my body and not rush into things. It said in my papers that I shouldn’t lift heavier than 4 kg until my doctor has given me the thumbs up. Usually you get a follow up appointment two weeks post op but for some reason we got three. I decided to wait with everything I’m not allowed to do until after we’ve met with the doctor. I felt fine somewhat early on, my body went back to normal, but just in case.. I actually didn’t ask the Dr yesterday, but since it’s been three weeks and she said I look fine, it should be ok.

Seeing the number on the scale yesterday at the doctors office wasn’t fun. Like I wrote above, I normally don’t care about weight cause during my whole life the scale would say one thing and my body would say something else. I have been petit and muscular with heavy weight on the scale and being bigger in size and less muscles with low weight, so I don’t trust it, it’s just numbers. But now I see my changed body that reminds me of a baby I no longer have and the scale is telling me the same thing. 

I’ve always danced because I love it and I have been working out because I know my body needs it, so to move my body has been driven by passion and for feeling healthy. Now my motivation is the same added with that I want to get rid of my sad memory. If I stay in size and in weight it doesn’t really matter to me, but what matters is that I want to reshape it. For the past few years I’ve seen changes happen, going from dance body to gym body and now I’ve added post pregnant body to the mix. I don’t recognize the person standing in front of me in the mirror, I don’t know that person. I want to find Fanny again. 

taken on February 15