February 19, 2020
365 days ago, I heard of partial molar pregnancy for the first time. My doctor didn’t tell us much, just explained to us that the baby had three sets of chromosomes which is called triploidy and that I needed to do blood tests until my hcg level is down to 0. I did my first test that day and the number showed 263 which is a very very low number to start with 3 weeks post pregnancy. Everyone was kinda expecting me to be done within two months.
10 months of weekly blood tests and 3 monthly, I’m still not cleared. 52 weeks of hope to be able to move on and put this behind me. Earlier this month I did what I really thought would be my last test, cause my doctor had told me in November that I only needed three more months. She called and told me the result (I’m still down) and then told me that I have to do another test in May. That hurt. I was at the gym when she called. After the phone call ended I continued with what I had been doing but five minutes later the tears came. I sat down facing the wall pretending to stretch cause in case someone would walk into the gym they wouldn’t be able to see that I was crying. It took 25 minutes before my face was dry enough to go home. My dog came to meet me and probably sensed that something was wrong. He snuggled me the way he always does and I completely crashed.
It doesn’t matter if it’s next week, next month, in three months or next year, knowing that I have a test coming up is always on the back of my mind and it’s exhausting. It’s hard to deal with knowing that I’m still an active patient at the oncology office and knowing that even if I feel healthy my papers says I’m not. I know that I am healthy, I am ok, but to not be cleared is emotionally tough to handle. I feel trapped in my own body which is a very strange feeling. Most days I feel great but some days a simple thing like taking Thor out for a walk feels like climbing Everest. Sometimes I wish there was an off switch for the brain.
I could probably just say f*ck it and not do my test in May, but I’m also a little scared and I do trust my doctors plus I want to be a good patient.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe I haven’t found or learned what I’m supposed to yet.
If you or someone you know are going through something like this, feel free to send me a message. I won’t have all the answers, but I will be here for support.
I am not alone and neither are you♥
It’s actually quite hard for me to share my story, it’s hard to show myself this vulnerable. But this past year I have noticed that my story might be of help to others. I had never heard of partial molar pregnancy before and I have still never heard of a mystery case like mine. Google can give you the same info that your doctor tells you, but everything else I have learned about this comes from writing with other women from all over the world. It’s amazing how much support is out there when you need it. I am forever grateful. We are all sitting in the same boat, noone has real answers, we all only have suggestions but most of all we feel compassion and love for those who are going through similar things. Every story is unique and we all suffer through it differently, but we are still women (and partners of women) who has to deal with something that is very hard.
