Showing all posts in Brain Dump

“When you let go
you create space for something better”

I woke up early today. Took Thor out, he didn’t do all his business and we were out longer than needed. We came back inside, T had breakfast and then he went to snuggle my sleeping hubby. I took my purse and went to get myself a coffee. At 6:30 am there’s barely any cars outside and the sound of the birds is very loud. 
On my way back, I stopped in the park by our apartment and sat down to meditate for a little bit. By this time there were more cars out and I sat right next to a bigger three lane street. But I tuned that sound out and focused on my own breathe and loved having the sun in my face.
I also focused on letting go of being annoyed that T hadn’t done what he needed and that I probably have to take him out again earlier than usual. A small thing but it upset me a little bit and I didn’t need that to linger for the rest of today. “It’s ok. Everything is ok. I can take him out again. No big deal. I have my coffee now. I’m gonna go home and kiss my husband before he goes to work and everything is alright. I’m letting go”. 

Letting go is something we need more of. I’ve been helping a neighbor this week who’s body is in pain. I keep telling her that she needs to relax and I know there are things that she needs to let go of, and that made me think about this. Whether it is to let go of a thought, a memory, an old teddy bear or bad habits or if there is something to release in your body, it’s equally important to just do it. There are too many things that we all need to stop holding on to that doesn’t serve us. This morning I had to let go of being annoyed that my dog didn’t poop, but there are plenty of other things that I know I have to let go of, like old thoughts that keeps nagging in the back of my head for example.

When I came back to the apartment and sat down to enjoy my coffee while watching something on youtube, the first thing that came up as a suggested video was about letting go, so I definitely think that it’s something I have to focus on today. I have been trying to clear out stuff, material things, in our apartment for awhile, but there are things that I can’t let go of and today I will find out why and then just do it. If it doesn’t serve me, then it needs to go. 

If you have time today or this weekend, I would like you to do the same. Are there things that you need to let go of in your life? Write down why you are attached to it and if there’s any reason for you to hold on to it. Read what you have written and if there’s no reason, then let it go. Send that unnecessary thought or memory out away from you, say goodbye to it. Get rid of that sweater you have in the back of your closet that you know you’ll never wear again, if it’s not broken then there’s someone else out there that can have use for it. If there’s anything holding you back to achieve something, then write it that down and figure out what you can do to get detached from it. Let. It. Go!

The photo above is of the Menehune Fishpond in Kauai. Jim and I went there to watch the sunset on our last day right before we had to go to the airport. It was a good spot to release any last things that I needed to send out to the open before we left that beautiful island.

It’s been a whole year since we woke up in this apartment in Stamford! One year, I can’t really believe it. It sure doesn’t feel that long.
Warning for long blog post:)

On March 18th last year, we packed our brand new car with the most valuable things, had our little fluffbutt freaking out about the movers getting everything else out of the apartment and soon we were leaving our lives on Manhattan and drove to Connecticut. I was both excited and terrified (read my blog post HERE). Looking back at this past year, I can honestly say that it has not been what I had imagined. At all. It does not feel like a whole year for the reason that I haven’t done much and I think I got more stuck than I was before cause a lot of stuff I pictured and answers to the questions I had (read my “6 months in Stamford” blog post HERE) didn’t turn out the way I hoped. I might not have been very clear with myself on what I hoped either though. But still.

Living in Stamford….well,.. I found wonderful neighbors that I can now call friends who Thor absolutely adores. We have a gym in our building. There are yoga studios nearby. My husband seems very happy here. Our apartment is amazing. I have everything I need (and don’t need) and I’m really spoiled. That should be enough right? So why am I still struggling? 

Winter is always a challenging time for me. I really can’t deal with cold weather. I have been dreaming of warm weather since I was about 12 and wanted to move out of my parents home and live on my own. I am always cold, even in the summer and I really truly hate snow. I love to be outside. I love love love going for long walks (that’s part why we got a dog), but in the winter, I just get depressed after a few minutes outside in the cold. I’m like a bear. I prefer to stay at home, inside, alone, all winter long and wait for spring. 

Location shouldn’t matter though. You can’t blame where you live for things not going your way. You can’t blame weather. As an artist I should be able to work anywhere. Get inspired or use the frustration for creating my art no matter location of my home. But, I’m still dreaming. Probably dreaming a little too much and I’m sure that my husband is tired of me now.
But Stamford isn’t a place I would love to settle down. Not even a little. Not even anywhere close. 

I don’t know what the meaning of this post was. It seems to have turned out to be just random blabber. But that’s also how it is inside my head, blabber, unnecessary noise and too many dreams. This is why I don’t update this blog as often as I would like to, cause I have days, like today, that isn’t as positive as other days and my head is exploding with blabber.
This is life. This is me. This is Fanny.

Seriously guys, I’m so freaking excited about our vacation! This is something I’ve been dreaming of since I was a teenager.
I had a photo I found on google (or maybe it was some other old browser like alta vista or something haha) of the two waterfalls in Kauai (Wailua Falls) as my background on my login on our family computer. I had this photo as my background for years (I also had a picture of a pomeranian saved that I kept looking at) on all my computers and I still have that photo file of the waterfalls on both of my external hard drives. I thought this was the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen.
Hawaii was on my list from when we read about Pearl Harbor in school (the Ben Affleck movie came out shortly after too, 2001). And then I saw a program called “Sparlost Forsvunnen” which was a Swedish tv-show of people trying to find other people like their birth parents or a lost sister or something. In one episode, a young woman was looking for her father (I guess she grew up with her mother) and after searches around the world, they found him. They showed how they drove on the roads with mountains around them and they filmed the fathers house that was right by the water with dolphins jumping in the ocean in the background. I thought it was the most magical place I’ve ever seen. Kauai Island. I looked it up, as I didn’t know where that was. I found that picture of the waterfalls and it’s been one of my dreams since.
I can’t believe that I’m going there. Aaaahhhh!! I thought Disney World was huge, but this feels bigger. This is something I’ve been spending time thinking about, in detail, how it would be to go there. Disney was a dream that came back every now and then since I was a kid, but Kauai has been on my mind far more often and I have more feelings attached to it.

Me and Thor yesterday. He was feeling better and the weather was
wonderful. We found a spot in the sun to hang out. Quiet and peaceful♥

Teaching my workshop today. I’m nervous of course, but also calm at the same time. I’ve never taught a movement class, I just made it it up when I suggested it to the owner of the studio. But I have taught many many dance classes in my life of all levels and of all ages, so I’m sure it will work out. It has definitely been forever since I taught a dance class and my memory has faded, but it’s still in there somewhere:)

I created a class right after I sent her my description and got my date for the workshop. It’s been two months and for someone like me who like things to be perfect, it could have turned into me changing the material a thousand times, but I told myself that I was just gonna stick to the original ideas. Leave it alone, just glance at it but not judge it. Of course I have had a billion thoughts that I have to change it cause maybe they won’t like it, maybe it’s too hard, too easy, too much dance related, not enough dance, too slow, too fast, yada yada yada. I don’t know who these people are, and it says no previous experience necessary, so it can really be anyone and I have to count that in. But in the end of the day, it’s my class, I had an idea and I’m gonna stick to it. I have to trust myself. I don’t know their goals for the class, I only know mine which is that I want them to leave the class with a smile on their faces.

I’m excited! Anything can happen. It can turn out to be super awesome, then…yay! Or it can be a complete disaster. But whatever happens, it’s part of life. If we succeed, we boost our confidence. If we fail, we get up again. That’s it. We should just enjoy the journey of life and learn as much as we can along the way:) 

We moved to Stamford 6 months ago, on March 18. Time really flies.

Before we moved, I tried to picture how it would be to live here. Lots of questions popped up of course. What would I do there? What things can we explore? What about work? Will Thor find friends? Will we find friends? How much dance is there? Will Jim be happy with the new job? How easy/hard is it to go to other cities? How often can I go in to Manhattan? How many new things do we need to buy? Are there any coffee shops? Can I bike everywhere? etc. etc. I tried to visualize everything possible since I didn’t know anything about this place. Positive thoughts and endless of fantasies about the future.

And..? Jim loves it here and I’m trying to feel the same way. Our apartment really is a home, not just a place to sleep in. It’s twice the size as our old one on Manhattan and it finally feels like a real home. J told me yesterday that his old job is now basically finished, they didn’t even last a year after J quit and started his new job, so that’s very good to know. He seem to love to be able to drive to work. He loves that we have a grill to cook on. We now have a big outdoor space which is awesome. There are a lot more nature to enjoy than before and we can take Thor for hikes. 

And me? I don’t even know what to tell you guys. I’m going through stuff. Honestly, it’s been tough. I had a tough time in NYC as well, that’s why I’m entering my third year as a housewife right now. But this is even harder. My goal is to keep this blog on a happy note, so I will keep all my thoughts about our life in Stamford to myself, no need to spread negativity here. And I see how happy my husband is here so I really want to keep a positive attitude about it. 

This is not easy for me to write out to you guys. It’s personal, vulnerable and I feel bad for not loving every second of our lives here. I am very grateful for everything we have of course, I don’t take things for granted and I’m lucky to have found someone special to spend my life with, someone I love so much that my heart actually hurts. That’s why it’s hard for me to understand why not everything feels awesome.