Showing all posts in Brain Dump

March 18, 2019

Oh wow, we have lived in Stamford for two years already! Where did time go? What have we done? What?! Two years?! 

If you have read my blog during these years you have probably figured out that I have had a hard time to adjust. Ok, I had a few years before that as well with confusion and struggles, but moving to a place where nothing ever happens hasn’t exactly made it easier. I was open minded about moving, I tried to see possibilities instead of obstacles, but it has been hard. 

In the beginning of this year I believed that we finally could move away from here, that this would be the last cold winter and that we could become grownups with a house of our own. Now our dream is postponed by a lot. We are staying here for another year or so (hopefully don’t have to move to a new apartment, but we’ll see closer to summer), we will have another cold winter to suffer through and I want to dance again but there is nothing around here. The ballet school within walking distance moved out of town right after we moved to Stamford, the dance studio with adult classes only has hip hop (which isn’t my thing) and sometimes contemporary and you have to be invited. The athletic club that we are members of that has a dance studio that I like to use just announced that they are closing next month. There is a ballet studio with adult ballet a 20 minutes bike ride away so I should go there now when the weather is better for biking (although this city is a scary bike place, drivers has no respect for anyone plus there’s only one way streets). And then the only option I have is to take the train into Manhattan, but that ain’t cheap; train tickets, dog walker and classes – an expensive trip. 

Oh man, I need to stop to be so negative and need to find solutions. I have no choice but to stay here and deal with it so I should make the best of it. Ya, it’s time to make this so far crappy year into awesome and not see the city as an obstacle. Well, today I have to stay at home with Thor cause his un-fun stomach problem is still going on and he tried to throw up last night, so I need to find something awesome to do inside our apartment….

February 28, 2019

Good Morning! From yesterday’s depp day we have to jump right into today’s pepp day. Don’t you agree? We can’t feel sorry for ourselves for too long, we have to stand up and power through. Down days are good I think, it makes you realize things and then you wake up the next day and can start over. It also helps that it’s blue sky and not snowing today haha. 

What do you do to motivate yourself? What inspires you? For me it’s watching dance performances on like youtube done by companies or dancers that make the kind of art or use the movements I love, or I listen to a podcast with interviews with people I think are cool and has done amazing things, or I open Google Music and listen to fun or inspiring songs. Right now I’m playing the Batman Lego song “Friends are family” over and over. I love the part in the video when they all come in clapping their hands to the beat super smiling, that’s what I think about when I hear that song and it makes me really happy:) 

It doesn’t have to be big things that can motivate you, a simple thing like a song can be enough. And then sometimes you need to sit down and think about why’s. My husband and I want our dream house in the future and that’s one thing that pushes us (or, it pushes me, I can’t speak for him). I want palm trees to look at in a backyard where Thor can run around, I want my husband to quit his job and I would be the one going to work every day, these past few months I imagined my child growing up, going to school, playing sport, having parties with friends, starting high school, moving out, graduating college and so on and Jim and I would be there teaching her all the important things in life and see her explore the rest for her self. I picture us on all these awesome vacations, Jim and I will renew our vows, I see us sitting in rocking chairs on our porch with gray hair with Thor by our side being the oldest dog in the world (cause he’s gonna live forever!). See, it’s not that hard. Now I’m motivated and I know my why’s. Time to go and be awesome.
Tjingeling

February 27, 2019

I have to go back and give more blood next week. My level is down but not enough. It sucks. 

To something else. I’m having a hard time this morning. Questions like “Who am I?” “Do I really miss dancing?” “What can I do if I’m not a dancer or dance teacher?” “Should we have a baby or not?” “Do I have to live in Stamford and freeze every winter til the end of time?” What, when, how, this and that… Deep thoughts this morning and my head hurts. I wish I was a mini horse like Lil Sebastian. 

I know it’s not my fault we lost the baby, but today it feels like another failure of mine. 4.5 years of feeling like a failure. When we got pregnant I finally felt like someone who was awesome again. I was growing a tiny human in my belly. It was all up to me. Eating the right things, staying away from certain food, being active and move the ways that my belly allowed, try to sleep and stay calm so the baby was happy, doing all the research about pregnancy and first months with a baby. I did everything right…and it still ended with the feeling of failure. 

I’m feeling sorry for myself today. I see all obstacles and I have no motivation. I feel like a disappointment to my husband. I would like to do all these awesome things but I don’t know how to begin. And if I begin, would it be for what I really want? These years of being a housewife was meant to have me figure all this out. Why am I still stuck some days? 

And, I’m cold.

Erikshjalpen, the world organization that my grandfather started as a kid, had an instagram post the other day about “White Monday”. Such a great thing! 

So, on Friday it’s what’s called Black Friday. I had never heard of this until I moved to America. Apparently it’s a thing in Sweden now as well and probably in other countries. On this day, there are huge sales on products in basically any store you can think of. The lines to get in are loooong way before they open. People stand in line from the night before. When they finally get in, everyone just grabs whatever they can get their hands on, doesn’t even matter what it is, they just want it because it’s reduced prices. This is absolutely insane. Yes, if you are considering making a purchase, maybe something on the more expensive side like a cell phone, tv or something similar, then yes, waiting til this day and going online to look at deals can be a great way to save some money. 

BUT! We are all already over consumer of everything. We buy new toys, we buy new clothes, we buy new phones, we buy this and we buy that…you get it. What Erikshjalpen wanted to encourage people to do is to visit a Second Hand store and buy used. In Stamford I’ve only seen two stores with older goods. One is for furniture where I saw a rocking chair this spring that I considered getting but the next day it was gone. And there is a vintage clothing store with what looks like old rich lady clothes and noone needs to overpay for any of that, especially not what looks like real fur. There’s a Goodwill here in Stamford as well and they might have a store there and not just a drop off. 

I hate to admit it in this post cause I’m going against the purpose, but, I’m not a fan of used products myself. I hate germs and in my mind everyone else i full of it, so I prefer to buy new. But what I can do is to think over what I really need and not. My husband and I buy a lot of unnecessary crap we probably don’t need but we do keep our phones until they no longer work instead of buying the newest models every time they come out for example. It’s not much but at least something. We can definitely be better!!

In seventh grade we had do spend three days in a work place. I chose Erikshjalpen, part because I wanted to learn more but also because I could spend some time with my grandma. I got to see the organization in a different way other than through my family. I helped out with lots of different things like folding donated clothes and put in different piles that would be sent to countries where needed, or put together envelopes to send to those who donated money. One day I helped out in the only Second Hand store they had (today they have them all over the country). I’m not gonna lie, germs were in my mind. But when you see the bigger picture of what this does, it’s all worth it! Not only do people reuse products which is good for our world, they also do a good deed for those who needs our help. Same with Goodwill here in America.

Anyway. My point with this post is that I too encourage you to think twice before you shop a bunch of new stuff. Could you possibly buy it second hand? Or not buy it at all?