Showing all posts in Brain Dump

October 3, 2019

Good Morning! I don’t like to always talk about the weather here, but I am Swedish after all and that’s what we do hehe. Yesterday we had 31°c and blue sky almost all day. Today it’s raining and the temperature reads 11°c!! What?! We went from summer to winter over night. I’m afraid to go outside later haha. I had seen online that it said that the temperatures would drop after yesterday, so I wanted to spend every second outside. I really feel like I soaked up every little last bit of summer:)

Yesterday I decided kinda in the last minute to go take an 8am yoga class. It was nice to get out of the house and be active that early in the morning before breakfast. My body was warmed up and ready to go by 9am.
Right before the class started, I sat on my rolled out mat and I heard the teacher, Megan, talk to a woman that was setting her stuff up behind me. I don’t like to listen to other peoples conversations but I overheard M say something like “I have a notepad on my phone where I write down things, and when I need to think about something I open my notepad, *lady’s name*, do you have a lot that you walk around thinking about?” And the lady answered “yes”.
I thought this was such an interesting thing. That’s exactly how I perceive this teacher as a person. I’m sure there are things she has to worry about from time to time but she probably don’t spend to much energy on it. My husband is the same. I don’t know how he does it but that is one thing that I love about him (and sometimes I hate it – cause I’m so damn jealous haha). If there are things to be worried about or problems that needs to be solved, deal with it or put it in a notepad for you to deal with at some other time or to forget it. To dwell on something all day long is only making you crazy. And most of us do this, not with one thing but with many. My head feels like it’s about to explode most of the time cause I have a million things I think about. Worries, questions, problems, opinions, feelings etc etc. My husband is an expert at living by “if there is a problem that you can do nothing about, then let it go”. Like my hcg level, there is absolute nothing I can do about it (cause I have tried everything already), so I have to let it go and let it sort itself out (but not forget about case cause it is still an ongoing problem that needs to be solved and I would like to get a 2nd or 3rd opinion from other doctors). But it’s hard for me to not think about it at all times. Maybe I should write it down in a notepad and when I need to think about it I can just open that file and then close it again til the next time:)

May 29, 2019

I was just outside for a walk with Thor. We walked behind our building like we do all the time cause it’s quiet and lots of trees. I’m not nervous about if I have to do treatment again, but I felt like maybe I need some sort of confirmation that everything will be ok. Sometimes I ask the “universe” (you can call it whatever you want) for a sign that everything is going to be fine and everything is working out just the way it is supposed to. Usually I ask to see chipmunks, cause they makes me so incredibly happy, they are so cute. But, back behind our building there is actually a lot of them so it wouldn’t be a clear sign.
I looked down on the grass where Thor was sniffing and I saw a bunch of clovers and I thought to myself “it would be cool to see a 4 clover one day – that would be a pretty clear sign”.

5 second later, I found one. 

I have been looking and looking for a four-leaf clover my entire life, like so many others have, and I have never ever found one. Sometimes when I was a kid I would crawl around on the grass outside our apartment that my family lived in searching for that one special clover, but never found it. 
Now I wanted a sign and I thought it would be cool to find a four-leaf clover…and there it was. I almost wanted to cry. Seriously, what are the odds of that happening? I am almost 33 years old and I have never found one until today after I asked for it. 

This isn’t the first time I get a clear sign like that. I’m not sure what it means other than I feel like everything is going as planned and I’m on the right path in my life. I am so thankful for everything and that clover means a lot to me ♣

May 2, 2019

We have already entered the fifth month of the year. What happened, it was recently New Years and now it’s May? 

So much has happened but yet so extremely little. Started the year pregnant and excited. Ended January with a dead baby and surgery. February was all about recovery, grief and finding out the reason why I miscarried. March and April was all about weekly blood tests and gaining 10 lbs (!!!) (I know this since I have to stand on the scale at the doctors). April was also about being active and trying to lose those 10 lbs and towards the end to see if I have cancer or not. And that’s about it for this year.
There’s some exciting things coming up this month though. But the number one thing is still to get my strong body back (ok, no, the number one thing is to make sure my body is free from the pregnancy, but I have no control over that). I’ve mentioned it before that I don’t care that much about the number on the scale or the size of my body, and I still mean that…But, I don’t wanna spend money on a new wardrobe hahah and I love the feeling of being strong and flexible, it makes me happy to be able to move around smoothly and not feel like a giant walrus. My body has always been my work, and if my body isn’t up for it, there is no work, simple as that.

So what can I do? One thing that many may not know is that stress can sometimes have you gain weight. It doesn’t matter if you eat healthy food and goes to the gym every day, if your stress level is up then you can still gain weight, or in other cases lose some, I have experienced both in my life. I don’t feel very stressed, but I know I am. This whole HCG blood testing thing, hearing about potential cancer, seeing everyone else getting pregnant and being afraid they will steal my baby name that I picked out when I was 13 (it’s a silly and selfish thought, but it’s true, it worries me), ya, I’m sure it all makes me stressed whether I feel it or not.
Meditation is the key here. I haven’t done much of it lately, but I need to set aside time for it every day. Taking a moment to yourself is just as important as eating dinner. If you are feeling stressed out, then sit down, close your eyes and just breathe for 5 minutes. If you get all worked up about something, stop what you are doing for a second and just inhale – exhale. Simple but yet still so hard. 

There is still eight months left of this year. Lets make them awesome.

March 21, 2019

On Sunday morning, Jim got up to take Thor out. I was still in bed. I heard him leave and 20 seconds later he came back in and said “there’s a palm tree outside the door with a note that it needs a new home”. Our neighbors are moving to a house this week so I figured it was theirs and they don’t want to bring it to their new place, so they put it out for any neighbor to take it. After dealing with a poopy butt in the tub (Thor was still having troubles) and driving to get breakfast, we finally decided to bring the palm tree in to our apartment. 

I have a list, and I have vision boards with pictures, of things I want in my life, that’s something I have done basically my whole life. Palm trees are always always on my lists. When I was a kid, my friends told me about their family vacations where they were swimming in pools at hotels and there were palm trees everywhere. First time I saw a palm tree in person was in my grandpas apartment. I asked what kind of tree that was and then I begged and begged my mom to get me one. I was 18 years old when I went to Bulgaria on vacation and that was the first time I saw palm trees growing in the ground (and that’s also the first time I got to swim in a hotel pool). 

Every day for many years, I have wished for palmies to be in my life. Imagine how happy I was living in Lisbon:) We bought one when we moved in here two years ago but it ended up with what I think was like white spiders or something (I read that indoor palms can get that). It was placed on second floor and I think it died due to the air condition that was blowing right at it.
When you ask the universe* for something, you have to pay attention to in what way you get it. I have been wishing for a life with palm trees, and on Sunday morning there was one standing outside our door. When Jim told me that, I thanked the universe. I had pictured living in a warm place where they grow naturally, but if the universe wants to give me this tree now, I’ll take it and I say thank you. 

Now I just hope that I won’t kill it. We placed it in the living room this time instead of upstairs. It won’t be direct sunlight, but we do have morning sun on this side that comes in slightly next to the palm tree, so I’m hoping it will be good enough. It’s so pretty ♥
Please, if you have any tips on how I can keep it alive, send it my way, anything is helpful! 

*I have decided to call it “the universe”, you might call it something else. Whether you want to call it God, Manon, meatballs or Miss Piggy, it doesn’t matter, it’s the same thing just different interpretations of it.