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February 15, 2019

(Picture from a different morning this week)
Jim gave me “nameday” flowers on the Swedish Fanny day the 9th:)

Jim brought Thor to work today. We have a three day weekend coming up so not much going on there today I guess. When they left this morning, I got dressed and walked over to Dunkin to get myself a coffee. Back at home I boiled some eggs and listened to a podcast. I have now spent some time responding to some longer messages I’ve got these days.

On February 1st and 2nd I wrote about finding out the sad news of our baby and getting it out. In the end of that second post I wrote that I needed to take a break (writing about it all is very hard as you can probably understand) and write the rest later. I realized yesterday when I published these posts that I never continue to write. So I will sit down now and continue to write the rest. The post will come up right after the last one (Feb 2). Writing about it helps me dealing with grief and I don’t mind doing it online.

I haven’t actually written anything about this in my regular journal yet. It’s still hard to write the word baby on actual paper. For some reason using an actual pen to write all this just makes it more real. I’m not denying it, I’m just choosing what ways I want to deal with it. That’s also why I needed some time off from everything. I needed to feel it on my own terms and not get reminded by internet that I was no longer pregnant (for example, all the ads popping up everywhere is baby related because that’s all I’ve been searching about the past three months…or actually, eight months). Maybe I write in my journal later today. Or, maybe I just print out what I’ve written here and tape that into my journal, haha. 

February 14, 2019

My husband and I talked about announcing our pregnancy publicly the week of Valentines Day. We would have been 14+ weeks. We didn’t know how to announce it but this felt like a good time to do it. Instead we ended up announcing our loss. 

I planned to make all the posts I’ve written since May public this week as well. I mentioned it to my mom when we were in Sweden and she got excited to read it seemed like. With this sad news I wasn’t sure if I should, but you know what, I will. Because they are a part of our story.
I wrote here yesterday that I would make it public in the end of the day, but I had to go through them all and read them before publishing them and I wanted my husband to read it all before because I would never publish without him being ok with it. So last night when he came home from work I asked him to read it but he just told me to go ahead and publish. Our building had a Karaoke night with drinks and snacks that we went to and when we came back to the apartment I started to answer some people who had written to me and it took all night.

So now I am going to pour myself another cup of coffee and start to publish my posts. I think there might be some posts that I haven’t put under the category “Pregnancy“ so after publishing the ones already in there I will take some time to look through everything I have (for some reason I have a lot of drafts). Like I mentioned in yesterdays post, if you want to read our journey in order then you have to click Next to the last page and go forward from there. I do have to warn you that it could be tough to read them since you know how the story ends (it was for me but that could be because I know what I felt when writing and some posts have pictures). 

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Please note; Because of my pregnancy story turning into a complete mystery and all that, I have now changed the category name to Partial Molar Pregnancy. There just isn’t enough info about this kind if pregnancy and I want women (and men) who might go through this as well to be able to read what my experience of all this was.

February 14, 2019

I would like to thank everyone who reached out to us these past two weeks. We have received phone calls, text messages, emails, comments on the instagram and facebook post and private messages on all platforms. Jim and I feel supported and loved. We are very sad of course, but we were also quick to accept it and we are ok. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need support. So, thank you!

I knew this was a big deal to us and I felt ok sharing this because why not, writing is a way for me to deal with grief. I understood that I could maybe get messages from someone who has experienced it as well, but I never thought I would get this big of response, that it would be a big deal to others. People call me brave and strong for sharing our story. Thank you for that, but this should not be considered a brave thing to share. But for some reason this is a topic we aren’t talking openly about. Many women feel alone in this and they really shouldn’t. And neither should their partners. This is important to mention out loud. Infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths, loss of a newborn or whatever it is related to it all, it should not be hidden. Sure, we don’t need to speak about it if we don’t want to, but if we do feel like talking about it then we should not feel ashamed to do so. I don’t understand why it’s such a hush hush. We need to normalize this. We are not alone.

Women are writing to me about their own stories. I am taking my time to really read it and respond. This is not an easy subject to talk about, but I’m glad people are sharing and I’m happy to listen and be there for whoever else needs it. 

I knew about miscarriages and that it’s not always easy to get pregnant or have children of your own at a very young age. Children should be aware of this I think and it’s up to us to inform them. There are those who walks around having no idea about any of this and then if it would happen to them it will only be harder for them to deal with, I think. If we are open about it then maybe we can deal with it differently. We should all be there for each other and support one another.

February 13, 2019

This picture above of me and my husband was taken one early morning in the freezing cold Sweden in January.

Warning! This might be a sensitive subject to some…

When we were in Sweden in January, I entered week 11. It was early but we decided to announce our pregnancy to our families, because all my test results were perfect and we had heard a strong heartbeat the day before we left. We came back from our trip a week later on Friday January 25 and on Monday we went in for the big scan to see if our baby was ok. There it was, much bigger than last time we saw it on New Years Eve. And no heartbeat. They told us the baby seemed to have died a day or two before.
Two days later we were at the hospital. They put me to sleep, “vacuumed” the baby out and I woke up with a pregnant body but no baby.
These things happens all the time, we are not alone. I read somewhere that 1 in 4 women unfortunately experience one or more miscarriages. Not everyone goes as far as I did, but it’s still very common. And yet, people don’t talk openly about it. A miscarriage is nothing to feel ashamed of, it’s not a failure. It just didn’t work out this time. 

Dear “Wiggly”, may you rest in peace ♥

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I have written about our baby journey since we decided that it was time to start a family. Later today I will make them all public for you to read if you’d like. They are all under a new category called “Pregnancy“. The posts will however show up newest to oldest, so if you want to read them in order, you have to click NEXT til the end. 
As you probably understand, this is the reason why I took two weeks off from everything. I have been allowing myself to just feel whatever I needed to feel. Jim and I are both sad of course, disappointed to not become parents this year but we were both pretty quick to accept it and I feel ok. I cry if I feel like I have to but I’m not forcing anything. Whatever emotions pops up, I just let it happen. But mostly, I’m ok. Really. 
We have a follow up appointment next week and that’s when we are hoping to get the test results back. We already know why our baby died, but we are waiting for more details. 

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Please note; Because of my pregnancy story turning into a complete mystery and all that, I have now changed the category name to Partial Molar Pregnancy. There just isn’t enough info about this kind if pregnancy and I want women (and men) who might go through this as well to be able to read what my experience of all this was.