Home

February 22, 2019

Our doctor called me yesterday and said that the genetics test result were back. She basically told me the same thing she had already told us, but now it was confirmed. I had a molar pregnancy which is, if I understand it correctly, when the body think it’s pregnant but “there’s a tumor instead of a baby”, kinda. We had a baby so this was just a partial molar pregnancy and our baby girl (not boy like I thought in the end) had three sets of chromosomes which is called triploidy. So, she had 69 chromosomes instead of 46 and it was impossible for her to live. IF a woman can go through a whole pregnancy with a triploidy baby, then the child will die right after birth. So, with both a molar pregnancy and all these chromosomes, our baby girl had no chance to survive. 

When you read about triploidy and partial molar pregnancies is says it’s extremely rare. However, lots of women miscarry way earlier than me so it doesn’t seem like they can do a proper study on this if it is in fact rare or not. I’m sad that we had to go this far, really stepping on the second trimester line, and then loose her. And now when we found out the gender it feels a bit harder to deal with. No matter what gender, I feel that now it suddenly became a person. Not just my little Picasso that I wrote about in another post, but now it was a girl, a person who were trying to survive. She was a true fighter, our little Wiggly ♥

Var lakare ringde mig igar och sa att de genetiska test resultaten hade kommit in. Hon sa i princip samma sak som hon redan hade berattat for oss, men nu var det bekraftat. Jag hade en molar graviditet vilket ar, om jag forstar det ratt, nar kroppen tror att den ar gravid men “det ar en tumor istallet for en bebis”, typ. Vi hade en bebis so detta va en partiell molar graviditet och var lilla flicka (inte pojke som jag trodde mot slutet) hade tre uppsattningar av kromosomer vilket kallas for triploidy. Sa, hon hade 69 kromosomer istallet for 46 och det va omojligt for henne att leva. OM en kvinna kan ga igenom en hel graviditet med en triploidy bebis, da kommer barnet att do direkt efter fodsel. Sa, med bade en molar graviditet och alla dessa kromosomer, var flicka hade ingen chans att overleva.
Nar man laser om triploidy och partiell molara graviditeter star det att det ar extremt ovanligt. Dock, far manga kvinnor missfall mycket tidigare an mig sa det verkar inte som att de kan gora en riktig undersokning om detta ar ovanligt eller inte. Jag ar bara ledsen att vi behovde ga sahar langt, verkligen sta pa linjen till andra trimester, och sedan forlora henne. Och nu nar vi fick reda pa konet kanns det lite tuffare att bearbeta. Oavsett vilket kon, nu kanner jag att det plotsligt blev en person. Inte bara min lilla Picasso som jag skrev om i ett annat inlagg, utan nu va det en flicka, en person som forsokte overleva. Hon va en riktig kampe, var lilla Wiggly♥

February 20, 2019

The picture above was taken one morning in Sweden. The lower part of my stomach is a baby belly and the top part is just bloating. I didn’t really have any pregnancy symptoms (I felt really lucky) so I didn’t mind being constantly bloated from Christmas and forward. It was a way for me to know that I was pregnant (of course the lack of menstruation and that we saw and heard baby “Wiggly” on New Years Eve was proof of that too). I looked way more pregnant than I was pretty early on. And I loved it. 
I loved seeing my body grow, feeling my tummy getting bigger. 

That morning when these pictures were taken, I had a round belly already when I woke up, before breakfast. I looked in the mirror and saw the cutest belly I’ve ever seen. Sure, I felt bloated but I could also tell that my tummy had suddenly popped a little. All day I proudly walked around with this belly, touching it and wishing I would feel some sort of connection to it, which I didn’t, but it was there. Our baby was there. 

The day after my surgery I stood in front of the mirror. My firm round belly was now squishy and empty. I saw three months of excitement that ended with the worst news. All I could think about was “I can’t wait til I can work out and dance again and get rid of this pregnant body”. I normally don’t really care about weight or if I get bigger or smaller, as long as I feel that my heart is healthy and my body is strong, kind of. But now, looking in the mirror, I see a sad memory and I want to move on. 

During these three weeks, I’ve let my body really recover. All the stuff in my stomach needed to go back in place, the bloating needed to stop and since they opened my hips to get the baby out I needed to let that go back too. Two weeks ago (so a week post op) I was on the elliptical at the gym for 20 minutes. Talk about slow motion. I went slower than my regular walking pace because I could feel that my hips wasn’t really having it. Being a dancer who has had a whole lifetime of getting to know my body, I know when I can push it and not. After this surgery I decided to really listen to my body and not rush into things. It said in my papers that I shouldn’t lift heavier than 4 kg until my doctor has given me the thumbs up. Usually you get a follow up appointment two weeks post op but for some reason we got three. I decided to wait with everything I’m not allowed to do until after we’ve met with the doctor. I felt fine somewhat early on, my body went back to normal, but just in case.. I actually didn’t ask the Dr yesterday, but since it’s been three weeks and she said I look fine, it should be ok.

Seeing the number on the scale yesterday at the doctors office wasn’t fun. Like I wrote above, I normally don’t care about weight cause during my whole life the scale would say one thing and my body would say something else. I have been petit and muscular with heavy weight on the scale and being bigger in size and less muscles with low weight, so I don’t trust it, it’s just numbers. But now I see my changed body that reminds me of a baby I no longer have and the scale is telling me the same thing. 

I’ve always danced because I love it and I have been working out because I know my body needs it, so to move my body has been driven by passion and for feeling healthy. Now my motivation is the same added with that I want to get rid of my sad memory. If I stay in size and in weight it doesn’t really matter to me, but what matters is that I want to reshape it. For the past few years I’ve seen changes happen, going from dance body to gym body and now I’ve added post pregnant body to the mix. I don’t recognize the person standing in front of me in the mirror, I don’t know that person. I want to find Fanny again. 

taken on February 15

February 19, 2019

We had our post op appointment this morning. They took some blood and I will know probably by tomorrow if my hormone levels are back to normal yet. I have gained weight (I hope that their scale lies but it seems like I have gained a lot). The Dr took a quick check down under and said it looked fine plus I’ve been feeling ok.

We learned some new stuff today about the pregnancy and the baby. We haven’t received all the results yet so I feel like I should wait to write about it. But there was definitely some shit going on and there was no chance for our baby to survive. Now I’m even more surprised that it lived for as long as it did.

I do wish that it had died earlier. Standing on the second trimester line with our hopes up and then being left with nothing kinda sucks. If it had died in week 6 or 8 or something, then I wouldn’t question it. But, then we wouldn’t have known about the cause probably. I’m glad to have a reason for why it didn’t work out. There are many couples who doesn’t know the reason for why they miscarried, there might not even be a reason. We had reasons and I think that maybe makes it easier for us to deal with this. But I don’t know, I have never miscarried before.