January 17, 2020
On Wednesday night I went to a Horton Technique class. There aren’t really any dance classes for adults in Stamford (or even around in CT) and if there are it’s ballet, but in October I saw that the ballet school here added a modern dance class to the adult schedule. I haven’t been able to go before but on Wednesday I decided to walk over there. Took me about 35 minutes to walk. In NYC, that walk is nothing, you walk everywhere there, but for people living basically anywhere else in the country it sounds weird that someone would walk. People are shocked that I don’t drive, but I’m so used to it and I gladly walk, a perfect warm-up. However, some parts of my walk was slightly questionable in the dark so I ended up asking my husband to come pick me up after class.
Anyway.. The school was very small and intimate. Everyone came up to me and wanted me to introduce myself, how cute. I talked to the owners and they introduced me to the modern teacher and I felt very welcome. They also had a cat walking around. I was told this cat is a bit shy and most students have never seen him, but when I was there he came out a lot and meowed nonstop. Very cute, but I just kept thinking “please don’t come over and say hi to me” (I’ve become very allergic the past few years and I didn’t wanna sneeze the whole class). Apparently their previous cat was very friendly and curious, she used to join the ballet classes haha.
The class was only an hour long which is way to short in my opinion, but I understand, people are busy, an hour is better than nothing. It was a nice group of people in class and the teacher was good. I haven’t taken many horton classes before actually that I can remember, but the technique and movements has been incorporated into my teachings, like all modern dance styles. I could follow along, no problem.
Before I got there it felt like I was on my way to a date, a date I had been on before but still exciting, you know. Kinda like when I was going to see Jim after a few months of not seeing each other back in 2011. Jim and I wasn’t dating before I left NYC that summer, but we had got to know each other, and when I came back it felt very comfortable in a way but still a bit nervous cause I didn’t know if we were gonna pick up where we had left off or if we would end up not having anything to say to each other, I had no expectations but I was excited to see him. Same feeling on Wednesday. I was excited to meet modern dance again, saying hi to an old friend, an old flame even, it felt familiar but I didn’t know how I would end up feeling once I was there.
It’s interesting how body and mind works. I have been active in studios and at gyms this whole time, I have been dancing on my own, I’ve taken yoga classes, done countless hours of pilates, I have also been teaching a little here and there both privately and groups, but not been part of the dance world. As you know, I made a decision to take a break from dance. I thought it would be for a couple of months but that turned into years. I am going to spare you the whole story around this, but long story short, I’ve been questioning but also missing dance this whole time. And as years has gone by the more I’ve forgot. Not only loss of dance muscle memory, but I’ve lost actual memory. I’ve been a dancer my entire life, worked professionally for many years and somehow my brain just forgot all about it. This has been very hard for me to deal with, still is. How can the brain forget something that it has been living and breathing every single day for most of it’s existence? This is very strange but interesting to me.
Walking into the studio on Wednesday I saw my old self in the mirror, a different, changed appearance of my body and an older version but still me. Once we started moving I suddenly didn’t recognize myself anymore. It all felt so familiar and the memory came back, but oh boy, let me tell you, it’s tough to come back having an idea of what once was and it’s not at all the same. The body knew what to do but me, the dancer I once was, she wasn’t there. It’s a strange feeling. An older lady who took the class actually started talking about this after class, how she expects the body to do what it did back when she was a dancer but body feels so different and is not cooperating. Hard to explain to someone who has never experienced this, but I think you get what I mean.
It was a good class to start with for me. I need to build my body back the right way to avoid injuries and to help my brain the best possible way to remember. I will get back to it quicker than I think, cause that’s what so interesting with how our brains work. If you once learned to ride a bike, even if it’s 20 years later, you’ll still always know how, maybe wobbly in the beginning but before you know it you are biking down the street. It’s for sure overwhelming to think of the amount of work I need to put into this and I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little scared. Not scared of failure but scared of what I will find along the way. I’m scared of that maybe I don’t want to do this. I’ve been thinking about and passionately loved dance my whole life, I’m scared that I will work my ass off now and end up feeling that nah, this is not for me anymore. But, if I don’t dive right in head first, I’ll never know.
Ok, that was a long post about an hour long Horton class, hahah. But I had lots of thoughts and feelings after this and I have become very interested and curious about how our bodies and brain work over the past few years. I’ve learned so much about myself and others.
