February 26, 2019
I just spent 1.5 minute at the doctors and took what I first thought was a $25 taxi home. An expensive blood test…until I saw I got the ride 50% off which was a little better price. My HCG level (hormones) was not down enough last week so I had to come in now and have them take more blood. Good thing we keep producing new blood cause otherwise I would be empty by now. Hopefully it’s down to zero, I really don’t wanna go back in.
The whole pregnancy feels almost like a big blur, sometimes it feels like these three months never happened. We were at the doctors 4 times but I barely remember.
The first two-three weeks after conception you don’t even know you’re pregnant and then you have to wait til week 8 or 10, depending on your doctor, to come in for your first visit. Since I didn’t have any symptoms really, it was just regular days and what felt like long waiting for that first appointment to confirm that there was a baby in there. After the first ultrasound it slowly started to sink in that we were having a baby, but you’re still in that stage of just walking around like a “normal” person. Clothes were getting tighter by the day but that’s about it. People didn’t know about it so you are just walking around smiling to yourself. I started to say good morning and good night to the belly after week 8 or 9 in an attempt to make it more real for myself. After we told our families about the pregnancy and spent a week with my parents, it started to be real and I even played with the thought of being called “mom” in the summer.
So, to sum it up, we had one week of being pregnant, the rest is just blurry.
It almost feels like I just woke up from a very long nap. And the months before getting pregnant, all I had on my mind was that I wanted it to work the next time I was ovulating. So those months feels like a giant mush of hopes.
And now I’m back to being a normal person again. Right now I’m just waiting for my hormone level to go back so that my period can show up (well, no woman is really waiting for that to show up but my body needs to go back to normal). And then regular life is gonna continue like nothing ever happened. We never had a little girl, I was never pregnant, it was just a sad nap.