When I came to New York City six years ago, I was convinced by others that I love this city. After a few months of living here I realized that it wasn’t my own thoughts, I actually didn’t really get that feeling people were talking about at all. But, I loved that I was somewhere else than back home, just like when I lived in Lisbon. I didn’t love Lisbon for the amazing city it was, I loved it because I found wonderful friends, got an incredible experience and I could dance all day long.
After a summer in Sweden I decided to go back to NYC. My plans, as you know, was to move to Austria, but I ended up in NYC again. I was excited about a lot of things, but it could probably have been any place on earth and I would have had the same feelings. Soon I started dating my husband and then I was trapped by love and I ended up staying here.
I decided to take a break from dance and everything else and just focus on myself (and cuddle Thor, haha). I thought it would take me 2-3 months and then I would be bored out of my mind and I would be just as busy again. Sure, I was extremely bored, but I had also built up a frustration against my passion and love for dance and art, so my two months break has now turned into two years.
It didn’t help that I wasn’t in love with my city. NYC has so much to offer and endless of possibilities and that was my excitement when I came back after that first summer. But the city didn’t motivate me anymore. New York is expensive, dirty, smelly, full of confused tourists, roaches, rats and creepy people. The art and dance is pretty crappy too, cause everybody thinks they can be artists and the ones who speak the loudest book the job even if they suck (yes, that’s one of my frustrations – I value good education, technique and knowledge, not the idea that you can fake it to make it). There is no quality on stage or in the studios and I get so bored just by thinking about it.
So moving to a new place is exciting and I feel like I can start over.
But I’m terrified too. In one way, I DO love this city. Living on Manhattan where you are surrounded by water, you can walk everywhere, find everything you need (and don’t need) and talk to friendly strangers on the street. What beats that? In NYC you have the worlds best food, tons of events, the best concerts, performances, art, fantastic architecture and a beautiful skyline.
When we found out that we might have to move, I freaked out. I realized in that moment that NYC is in fact my city, my home and where I could find inspiration and motivation (if I just opened my mind a bit). Why didn’t I see this two years ago? Why did I let this city bring me down and not up?
Moving and starting over can be scary to people. For me it has always been exciting. I love to leave everything and everyone behind and start over, I’ve done it several times. We’re not moving very far, it will still be under an hour train ride to Grand Central and I could still find work and take classes on Manhattan, so I’m not leaving the city just yet. But maybe that’s what scares me. What if I end up not taking that train and only live the CT life? And then get even more bored. This is my fear.
Change is always good. And fear is good…as long as you punch it in the face and jump on that train.
So, I’m excited about moving…and I’m terrified.