January 30, 2020
January 30 is a date that I probably will remember for as long as live. For me, a miscarriage meant that things weren’t right and it wasn’t meant to be, and I moved on quicker than I thought I would. But then, well, I don’t have to tell you, you all know that it turned into a loooong shitshow:) When my sister announced her due date this summer, I told her right away that I won’t come, it would be too hard for me, too many bad associations. But when my mystery case started to look brighter this fall, I decided that it would probably be ok, so I booked my flight to come see her because she means too much to me to not come and support.
Last time I was in Sweden, we announced our pregnancy, everyone was happy for our perfect little baby who wasn’t at all perfect. Once we were back in the states, I went in for surgery, I had to say goodbye to a little girl and hello to a long long process of tests, treatments, mysteries and worries. After I booked this trip in December I thought that it would be ok to go here, I felt that I had worked through everything. I had hit zero and everything felt better. But,.. last week, as my trip was approaching, all my feelings went upside down. I’m not sad about the miscarriage, but it’s tough to think about that it’s been 12 months and even if I have finally hit 0, I’m still doing blood tests every month and there’s no guarantee, it is possible that it can come back. I don’t like to dwell on things, I like to look forwards and try to be optimistic, but last week, during the days leading up to my Sweden trip, I couldn’t do anything without having tears coming down my cheeks. I couldn’t explain why, I didn’t quite understand it as I really do feel like I have worked through this story, but maybe this is something that I have to be reminded of for as long as I live, winter trips to Sweden might always be associated with happiness turned into sadness. I don’t know.
Hear me right, I’m having a wonderful time here, time with my family and relatives means a lot to me and to hug my sister and snuggle my new niece is beyond amazing. But, just because everything else is awesome doesn’t mean that you can always just shut down what’s hard. And it can come back when you least expect it, in ways you’ve never experienced before. Even if it seems like my body is healed and I feel healthy, I’ve heard of women who’s numbers suddenly goes back up again, which I’m not really scared of but the thought of not being done is tiring. I’m exhausted actually.
Having to work through these thoughts and feelings, it’s something I’ve come to accept now that I kinda have to do, it’s part of the healing process. Grateful for everyone I have around me, it helps me to get through this♡