struggle days

December 5, 2019

Damn, I have fallen out of basically everything. Feels like I barely moved my body since before vacation and my sweet tooth is worse than ever
This morning I got out of bed, did 25 minutes of yoga before taking the dog out. Felt good to be on the mat but my body was so out of place, felt stiff and protested every movement I did.
This winter is hard for me to deal with and my body is responding to my feelings. It’s hard to stay motivated when your own body is going against you. But, that’s how it is sometimes. No need to judge it, just allow it to pass, because it will pass. We can’t always be super power people, sometimes we need to be vulnerable and let our emotions out, feel the damn feelings and be true to ourselves.
A year ago I was excited about absolutely everything. I knew there were risks, but I wasn’t waiting for a miscarriage, we were waiting for a baby, we were planning our future, were excited about our first doctors appointment and all the other stuff that comes with life changing moments. I thought I had worked through all these feelings over the past 10 months since my excitement ended, but on Thanksgiving and when I was decorating the Christmas tree, it all hit me in a way that I didn’t expect.
It’s been 13 months since my pmp story began and I’m not done yet, but I will be done one day and that is something I should direct my thoughts towards. Had another negative test this week so I’m going the right direction

Btw, I’m not sad about the miscarriage, people seems to think that I am because I still mention it, but I’m not. It’s important for me to say this. There are many women out there who takes a miscarriage really hard and maybe even blame themselves for it and it can take years or even a lifetime for them to get over it, and that is ok. But I happen to be one of those who accept the true nature of things, I don’t feel sorry for myself and I am not grieving a baby that wasn’t meant to be born, that is waste of time for me, and that is ok as well. It’s the pmp I am struggling with. I don’t know anyone who has been through this before. I talk to women online who is going through this as well, but our stories are still very different and our struggles doesn’t look the same. And to be honest, it’s hard for me to be treated differently, I don’t want pity parties, but I also don’t want people to ignore or not ask how I’m doing cause that is somehow worse, but I would like to ask everyone to be respectful, if you have a question then I’m happy to answer but please don’t talk about my future baby that I may or may not want or tell me to “hang in there”. I understand it can be difficult, but just be careful and choose your words wisely. And this goes for everyone you ever talk to btw. Thanks.