May 22, 2019
We had a doctors appointment yesterday afternoon. I didn’t receive any call or message during the day about my result from the blood test on Monday, so I just assumed it was good news. I expected the doctor to tell me my level had gone down to 0 after doing the treatment.
When she came in she seemed to be happy,..and she told me my level was 8. My level was 8 an hour before I got my treatment (although, they don’t wanna count that since it might differ if you get your blood drawn at different locations, so they count my blood test done at Quest last week which was 10). I was disappointed. Only 8? Chemo and it only went down 2.
But, the good news was that I don’t have to do treatment again this week. I have to do a blood test on Tuesday (cause Monday is a holiday) and if the level isn’t below 5 then, I have to do treatment next week again. So now of course we hope for lower than 5.
Once my level is below 5 (preferably 0), I don’t have to go in weekly anymore, yay, but monthly…for 6 months. Six Months!
She suggested that I start with birth control during this time cause I can absolutely not get pregnant. I said no. My body doesn’t like it plus I don’t wanna put shit into my body.
Aaah! I have to be reminded about this failed pregnancy for another 6 months. I gave myself time to deal with feelings and grieve my baby after she died, and honestly I didn’t need that much time, I felt very ok with it all pretty quickly and I wanted to move on. And then we found out the reason and I have now every week been reminded of that I’m not becoming a mother this year. Every time I get that needle in my arm I’m thinking to myself “my baby died”. And now I’m forced to think about it for the rest of this year whether I like to or not.
I have been crying all day today. I just want to be done and move on.
After the Dr appointment we went out to “celebrate” that I didn’t need treatment this week.
Not a full celebration yet, I guess that will be in six months…