February 20, 2019
The picture above was taken one morning in Sweden. The lower part of my stomach is a baby belly and the top part is just bloating. I didn’t really have any pregnancy symptoms (I felt really lucky) so I didn’t mind being constantly bloated from Christmas and forward. It was a way for me to know that I was pregnant (of course the lack of menstruation and that we saw and heard baby “Wiggly” on New Years Eve was proof of that too). I looked way more pregnant than I was pretty early on. And I loved it.
I loved seeing my body grow, feeling my tummy getting bigger.
That morning when these pictures were taken, I had a round belly already when I woke up, before breakfast. I looked in the mirror and saw the cutest belly I’ve ever seen. Sure, I felt bloated but I could also tell that my tummy had suddenly popped a little. All day I proudly walked around with this belly, touching it and wishing I would feel some sort of connection to it, which I didn’t, but it was there. Our baby was there.
The day after my surgery I stood in front of the mirror. My firm round belly was now squishy and empty. I saw three months of excitement that ended with the worst news. All I could think about was “I can’t wait til I can work out and dance again and get rid of this pregnant body”. I normally don’t really care about weight or if I get bigger or smaller, as long as I feel that my heart is healthy and my body is strong, kind of. But now, looking in the mirror, I see a sad memory and I want to move on.
During these three weeks, I’ve let my body really recover. All the stuff in my stomach needed to go back in place, the bloating needed to stop and since they opened my hips to get the baby out I needed to let that go back too. Two weeks ago (so a week post op) I was on the elliptical at the gym for 20 minutes. Talk about slow motion. I went slower than my regular walking pace because I could feel that my hips wasn’t really having it. Being a dancer who has had a whole lifetime of getting to know my body, I know when I can push it and not. After this surgery I decided to really listen to my body and not rush into things. It said in my papers that I shouldn’t lift heavier than 4 kg until my doctor has given me the thumbs up. Usually you get a follow up appointment two weeks post op but for some reason we got three. I decided to wait with everything I’m not allowed to do until after we’ve met with the doctor. I felt fine somewhat early on, my body went back to normal, but just in case.. I actually didn’t ask the Dr yesterday, but since it’s been three weeks and she said I look fine, it should be ok.
Seeing the number on the scale yesterday at the doctors office wasn’t fun. Like I wrote above, I normally don’t care about weight cause during my whole life the scale would say one thing and my body would say something else. I have been petit and muscular with heavy weight on the scale and being bigger in size and less muscles with low weight, so I don’t trust it, it’s just numbers. But now I see my changed body that reminds me of a baby I no longer have and the scale is telling me the same thing.
I’ve always danced because I love it and I have been working out because I know my body needs it, so to move my body has been driven by passion and for feeling healthy. Now my motivation is the same added with that I want to get rid of my sad memory. If I stay in size and in weight it doesn’t really matter to me, but what matters is that I want to reshape it. For the past few years I’ve seen changes happen, going from dance body to gym body and now I’ve added post pregnant body to the mix. I don’t recognize the person standing in front of me in the mirror, I don’t know that person. I want to find Fanny again.
taken on February 15