Written February 1, 2019, published in the end of this month
It’s been a tough week. I don’t even know how to begin to write this.
We came to the Dr office on Monday. The ultrasound lady acted weird and didn’t even recognize us. She told me that since it’s my first ultrasound I have to do it vaginally so I should get undressed from hips down, and then she left the room. We were both very confused. When she came back I told her that we had our first ultrasound weeks ago and we were there to do the big tests and stuff. “Oh no, that’s not here, that’s done by specialists at the Greenwich Hospital, they booked you for the wrong thing. That test is time sensitive, you have to get it done this week. I will go talk to the Dr”, and she ran away again.
She came back and said they will help us get an appointment and since we were there we could get an ultrasound anyway and pictures of our baby for free. So I pulled my sweater up and she put the gel on and she pressed the ultrasound thing on my belly. And there it was, a much bigger baby. It was facing sideways down so we wanted it to turn around. The lady shook my belly trying to annoy the baby so it would move around. Nothing happened.
After awhile we decided to do it vaginally too since I already had my pants off. The lady sat there shaking the stick inside me, looked very concerned starring at the screen, hit buttons on the keyboard and said nothing. Noone said anything.
Eventually she got up and said she needed to go get the Dr. “Is everything ok?” Jim asked but the lady just left. We were now both terrified.
Doctor came in, a women we hadn’t had the pleasure to meet with yet. They put the stick in again. Dr had her hand on my knee, the lady looked sad. They both just starred at the screen.
“You probably figured out that if I had to come in, then there must be something going on. I am very sorry to tell you this, but there’s no heartbeat”.
I wasn’t shocked. I just said “ok”. She told us that it seems like the baby had just died, like that weekend or something, that it looked like I was 12-13 weeks along. She told us that we have to meet with our Dr the next day and they will schedule me for D&C on Wednesday. She and the lady left and I got up to get dressed. I wiped all the sticky stuff off my belly and between my legs and started to cry. Damn it. My worries and strange feelings that I’ve had for a few weeks were true. There were something wrong with our baby.
// This is hard for me to write about. I need a little break. I’ll write more tomorrow. //