February 27, 2019
I have to go back and give more blood next week. My level is down but not enough. It sucks.
To something else. I’m having a hard time this morning. Questions like “Who am I?” “Do I really miss dancing?” “What can I do if I’m not a dancer or dance teacher?” “Should we have a baby or not?” “Do I have to live in Stamford and freeze every winter til the end of time?” What, when, how, this and that… Deep thoughts this morning and my head hurts. I wish I was a mini horse like Lil Sebastian.
I know it’s not my fault we lost the baby, but today it feels like another failure of mine. 4.5 years of feeling like a failure. When we got pregnant I finally felt like someone who was awesome again. I was growing a tiny human in my belly. It was all up to me. Eating the right things, staying away from certain food, being active and move the ways that my belly allowed, try to sleep and stay calm so the baby was happy, doing all the research about pregnancy and first months with a baby. I did everything right…and it still ended with the feeling of failure.
I’m feeling sorry for myself today. I see all obstacles and I have no motivation. I feel like a disappointment to my husband. I would like to do all these awesome things but I don’t know how to begin. And if I begin, would it be for what I really want? These years of being a housewife was meant to have me figure all this out. Why am I still stuck some days?
And, I’m cold.
