Yesterday, I was in a really good mood and super motivated. An awesome day. I went to the gym. As I was warming up I felt the familiar crack in my right knee. I thought it was probably because I wasn’t warm yet so I started to warm up differently to not put any major pressure on the knees. It sort of worked. My legs are weak and I wanted to build some muscles but both knees now hurt so I decided to focus on arms and upper body instead. Couldn’t even stand or go in-out of whatever I was doing for my arms/back without my knees feeling like they would break. So frustrating.
I got so angry at my legs.
When I couldn’t do anything without feeling some sort of pain in my knees, I could feel my tears coming. I was alone at the gym but I still didn’t want to let tears out and I didn’t want to go out in lobby with a crying face. I just sat there on the floor trying to hold it back. Then I remembered that I could go the outer way (there’s a door directly to the outside in the gym). I could avoid people and go home. Once I had closed the door behind me and I was inside our apartment, I burst into tears. Major cry fest. Not necessarily due to pain, because it wasn’t that bad, but the fact that I really wanted to work out, feel my body move, do the things I love, work my muscles and get them fatigued. I love pushing myself, but half-assing things is just too boring to me. And even if I know there isn’t anything seriously wrong with my knees, that they can’t really break, I’m still scared and it pisses me off.
I have decided that I want to find a rheumatologist that can tell me if I actually have arthritis and if so what kind. I tried to ask the doctor I went to this summer but he didn’t give me an answer or take it any further, so I’m definitely not going back to him. I hate going to doctors. I know that the rheumatologist will, just like all other doctors, prescribe me a bunch of pills and I refuse a life with pills. I’m so sick of that people try to fix everything with pills and unnecessary medicines. But I want to actually know if it is arthritis in my knees and possibly my feet.
Oh, f*ck this sucks!
(excuse my language)
One thing that I know I have to do is to cut out sugar completely. And there’s lots of other stuff I have to cut out as well from my diet. Yesterday when I searched on google what triggers arthritis, psoriasis and cold sores (cause I have that too), it seemed like I can’t eat basically anything. I might have to become one of those “raw-food-diet” people. Sigh.
It was just so much feelings bubbling up yesterday. My awesome day and my good mood was gone. But, a bad day doesn’t mean a bad week or a bad month or a bad life. It just means that I have to take this shit seriously. I wrote about it in the beginning of the summer, that I have to focus on eating more anti-inflammatory foods and choose the moves and exercises that fit me, but honestly, I’ve done a bad job and now my body is telling me to get my shit together.
We only have one body, at least in this current life, and we should take care of it. Feed it with nutritious food, exercise, exercise our brain and tell our bodies that we care and love it. I have to do a better job. I want a long life and I want to be able to experience as much as possible during my time here. I don’t want my stupid knees to limit me.
Sorry for a long post, but I needed to get this out. This is part of me and I can’t ignore it any more.